gone...really gone!

I sat there, by his bed, for probably about half an hour, before I realized he was gone. His little body was there, but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't wake him up and he wasn't going to come back to us. I prayed several times in those few days after he had gone, specifically for Jesus to "raise him from the dead." Just as I had read about and my parents had told me about; Jesus coming back to life after he had died. But for one reason or another, Jesus didn't do it this time.

My response was shock. He is God of the universe, and he wouldn't do this miracle for my brother? I was confused, let down, and then I could feel doubt creep into my ten-year-old little heart. I believed steadfastly that God was real, but I just didn't know about the part in the Bible where he said he heals us.

This crazy wrestling in my heart over the last year or so, has been centered around the concept of God-who-heals. I believe he does, as I see it in 3rd world countries and randomly friends of mine have had amazing testimonies of how God healed them. But something in my heart just couldn't go there, but desperately wanted to believe. My heart kept going back to that moment by his bed, where I had unbelievable faith for a miracle that didn't happen. In wrestling with doubt and faith, doubt frequently won me over since then, just because it was easier.

These last few weeks something has definitely been broken. And it is easier to have faith than it is to doubt. God has won me over. And it started with a headache.

I was in bed one morning and the boys were running around, Matt was getting ready for work, and I had a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I made that very clear to everyone. Matt said to Caleb, "Let's pray for Mommy." Caleb and Matt walked over to me, I was a bit reluctant because I really did enjoy laying in bed at that moment. But as they put their hands on my head, I felt the faintest sliver of tiny faith in me come to the forefront of my mind. I could see that Jesus was able, and I wanted him to do it. Then...the pain was just...GONE! Gone gone gone, no more, nothing there, not even a little bit. I jumped out of bed, literally...ecstatic..."it's gone!"

Now I know that the distinction between knowing God CAN heal, and experiencing that He is WILLING to heal ME, is huge! He did it for ME. And He has done it two more times since that incident. Every time, I feel no faith and then there it comes, that faintest sliver of tiny faith coming to the forefront of my mind, and then the headache is gone. This last time it was a migraine so bad that I just wanted to leave the meeting I was in and just go lay down in my van. Then Jesus comes into the scene and brings complete salvation healing. To my spirit He brings faith, to my body he brings healing.

And the doubt is gone...really gone. I have wanted to believe, really believe. And now we're going into deeper waters, and the Holy Spirit is bringing life where there was death, faith where I was dried up with doubt, and joy where there was complete sadness and heaviness of heart. He is saving me again...again and again. And I am experiencing a freedom to trust the savior of the world, and the redeemer of my life.