look alikes? (pt 4)

Caleb and I when he was 6 months!

Levi and I a few days ago; he is 6 months old. (I had to fix this picture because it was so dark!)

Levi's friend

Levi and Elliot Swanson enjoy their first swing time together. She's 2 weeks older and 3 pounds lighter. But I guess that's to be expected since Levi was such a big boy when he was born!

where it all started

Someone said today, "You seem like you're a lot like your mother." She didn't know me, and had only met me one other time, but she said it so confidently. I felt honored to be equated with such a wonderful woman.

My mother. Mothering is such a sacrifice and only now am I beginning to appreciate the price. I am so grateful to my mother in so very many different minuscule ways. My memory is going back to one specific time that changed my life.

Our family was rocked with the devastation of the loss of my brother more than 15 years ago. After a few months, I remember telling my mom that I was afraid I was going to forget him and all the memories. So my mom decided that I needed a journal. She took me to a book shop, and said, "you can pick out a journal, Annie. One that you really like, to write down everything you remember and all the feelings you are having about missing Gabe."

It was an exciting moment in my life, I remember finding one that had a scripture on it about the goodness of God. I wrote in that journal everyday, sometimes twice a day, until I felt I had run out of memories. Then...I just kept writing.

It has been an amazing journey through the years. Writing has a way of revealing to myself what is most important to me. I have lost count of the number of journals I've gone through over the last eighteen years, but I will never forget my first one, and the precious gift it was to me from my thoughtful mother.

a child's understanding

I am amazed how a child can come to an understanding of compassion, and how it makes a difference in others' lives. Yesterday was a sweet, beautiful reminder that we do nothing in vein, when a child is watching.

Caleb climbed up into his chair for lunch, and as I handed him his cup of milk and walked away to prepare his meal, I heard him talking jibberish quietly. As I turned to see if he was talking to me, he put his hands together and said, "a-meen!" Then he grabbed his cup and started drinking. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It wasn't as if he knew exactly what he was doing, or that he had a profound revelation of why we pray, but it was the beauty of repeating a gesture that he knew must be important, since he had seen and heard Daddy and Mommy do it several times.

And then he completely blew me away by the very next thing that happened. I made a noise in the freezer when I was putting something away, then closed the door. Caleb said, "You akay? Yes?" I had to ask him what he meant. He repeated himself, then pointed to the freezer, "Boom! You akay?" I got it, "oh yes. I'm okay, thank you for asking Caleb!" He nodded and went back to eating.

Precious! Absolutely precious!

love love love

The amazing birthday cake Buela made for our trip to Fresno.

The California Ens cousins, (missing Connor and Isaac in Thailand)

Caleb's birthday party at our house. He loves the water (right now calling it "a-go"...)

waiting

I pulled back the curtains of fantasy today and saw some harsh reality mixed with the sunshine of hope! The wind was blowing so hard in the midst of a sunshiny day, and I felt the Lord say,

"what are you waiting for, Anne?"

What am I waiting for? I've seen once again the awe and the brevity of life so close by. My new nephew from Thailand was a sight of hope this past weekend, adopted into an amazing family. And just a few days before, my heart was aching for my brother who came very close to the taste of death in a car accident.

Life is full of tremendous joys as well as heartache and longing. My spirit has been longing for more in the midst of the joys of being a mother to my sons. What is that longing? The Lord has so graciously reminded me lately when I start to forget the sound of that longing: I was born for more than this. And the Lord is waiting for me to choose it. It won't just show up on my front door one day. I must fight for it and take my family with me!

I love the sound of the battle cry in my soul. It resounds in me when I choose the Lord above all else. The Lord is calling me to cry out, to not be silent right now. There is no time like the present, and now is the time. I cannot wait for tomorrow. My life, in the hands of the Lord will make a difference in a world that is indifferent to Him. This is the fight. And I choose it today.

The Lord has been waiting,

and I have nothing to lose.