thumb sucker

This is totally new to me...we have a thumb sucker in the house!!! It's not just a one day occurrence either. Levi has found his hands and has been caught several times sucking his thumb, so cute, and so new! Caleb never really enjoyed this as a baby. But now at almost 2 years, Caleb sticks all of his fingers in his mouth, all the time it seems like. I love the little differences between the boys that are coming up. It's in the little things that makes each boy so unique and so special.

I think sometimes as an adult, that I just wish someone noticed the things that I do. The way I smile at someone new; that sometimes awkward but open "hello" that shines through my eyes. Or the way I play with my hands when I'm thoughtful. Or the way my heart thumps in my chest when I'm about to play the piano, waiting to see what my fingers are going to discover, and the melody that surfaces from them. So many little things that make me, me. I love the passage in the Bible that talks about our Father knowing us as He created us in our mother's womb. (ps 139) He is the one who keeps on noticing the little things about us, even when our parents stop. And I can't forget that He has placed my husband in my life, who constantly lets me know that Yes! he knows me.

I guess what it comes down to is we are seen! If you haven't seen the VeggieTales story of the Snoodles, you have to see it! I don't know how a cartoon can make me cry, but it did! It talks about how God sees us not as we are now but as he has created us to be, without all the baggage from life. I'm not doing it justice, so take my word for it and watch it! And know that Yes! you are seen. (And all that just from my thumb sucker.)

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (psalm 139)

thoughts on being a woman

I used to think of myself as a strong, independent person who could stand up to any man. Even though it didn't always show on the outside, inwardly I "knew" I was stronger than others. I guess it came from the way I grew up, life events, birth order, etc.

I remember a moment that was a turning point in my life: I was a swimmer in high school and at one low point in my junior year of swimming, my coach came up to me while I was lifting weights. We were talking about my performance as a swimmer and he said, "I know you can do anything you set your mind to do." That just really encouraged me to keep going strong in everything I did. And I was so grateful to have a coach that spoke good things over his team members!

But I still had one huge limitation in my mind; I was not domestic!!! And I was adamant about it. Before I got married, I had a conversation with Matt about this. He grew up with a mom who was an amazing mother, keeper of the house, great in the kitchen, and on and on. (Love you, mom!) How could I compete? I just let him know that I was not going to cook all the time, or have the house spotless, or anything like that. He was very gracious with me, but still had that look in his eye as if to say, "I see something in you that you don't see."

I look at my life now and sometimes laugh at the things that I do throughout the day...cleaning the house as soon as the boys are down for naps, watering the flowers in my planter outside (that Matt made for me), planning what we're going to have for dinner...but it doesn't stop there! I've been known to throw frozen dough in the oven for fresh bread, buying non-toxic cleaning supplies, doing at least one load of laundry a day, doing the dishes regularly (I'm getting there) and I absolutely love to cook!

I figured out that I was fearful of trying to be mothering or domestic, and failing horribly. But once I tried it, I found out that I was designed to multitask and get more done than I thought was humanly possible, especially with 2 babies to take care of. It's just amazing how the Lord has designed me as a woman. And I love being a mother as well! I absolutely love my boys and I love giving them what they need from me. It has been a dying-to-myself season the last 2 years, as my life is now centered around the boys, but it has been so rewarding!

I am so grateful to the Lord for healing me over the last few years. It used to be hard for me to trust others and myself for that matter, but He's been uncovering the fear and showing me how to hold on to faith in Him! And I know there's more to come...

brotherly love

Caleb is learning how to be a nice big brother. He's doing pretty good, for the most part. In this video, you'll see Caleb pointing out Levi's eyes, then mouth. He loves to try to give Levi his pacifier, and give him kisses. He really is excited to have this little person in our home.

bath time cutie

At 2 months, I'm 16 pounds and off the charts! But I know I'm still a cutie; just a BIG cutie!

locked out... inside

I never really noticed that all the doors in our house have locks, an observation that I will never take lightly again!

Well, Caleb has been in the habit of shutting the doors in the morning; probably because he sees Mommy shutting them to keep him from going somewhere I don't want him to be. Matt and I were starting our normal day of him getting ready for work, and me nursing Levi, when I heard a door shut. Thinking this was Caleb just being a good "helper" I didn't mention it to Matt until I saw he had a moment. So Matt went to go check, and yes Caleb had shut the door of our room with him in it. Matt knocked on the door to play the "can i come in?" game, until he found that the door was LOCKED! I was so proud of Matt, because he stayed calm trying to get Caleb to undue what he had done, and we had no idea if it was a push-it lock or a turn-it lock. Needless to say, Caleb didn't know what he was talking about, and he proceeded to play with the no-no's in our room. We were just glad he was happy and not freaking out like we were.

So after Matt had exhausted the normal ways you try to open locked doors, like the credit card trick, and Caleb had finally figured out this wasn't a game, Matt said (like the contractor he is), "we can always take off the trim of the door." Ha, I'm so glad my husband can use tools! So as soon as I saw that we could get to our son, I felt free to document...

four wonderful years

Today Matt and I are celebrating our anniversary of 4 years! I was telling my sister this morning that I can't believe it's already been 4 years, but then again, four years just doesn't sound that long at all! But no matter how it feels, it really has been an amazing four years.

The Lord has been so good to us, so faithful. I am grateful to Him for pointing out my husband to me, and reassuring my heart and mind to say "Yes" when the time finally came that Matt asked me (yes there's a story there). Thank you, Lord for the man you have placed beside me in life. I am forever grateful that Matt understands me; who I think I am, and who the Lord has created me to be. I couldn't ask for a better husband for me or father of our boys!

There are more smiles and laughter in our house because of Matt. I never knew I married a man with so many nonsensical songs in his brain, or so many crazy dancing moves. (Yes he often sings and dances at the same time in our kitchen.) I have laughed more this last year than I think I ever have. The Lord knew the perfect one for me!

look alikes?

So our boys look a lot alike! The top picture is Caleb when he was one-month old, and the bottom one is Levi at the same age. Pretty funny! They have enough differences though that I rarely call Levi, Caleb. Levi looks like his eyes are more green-brown, and Caleb has always had distinctly blue eyes. But we'll see as time goes on how similar they will look.

ode to dirt

I had to post these pictures because they are so telling of Caleb in his element. This is our front yard about 3 months ago while Matt was building a patio outside our front door. Caleb's love of dirt, trucks and tractors drastically increased after he discovered this mound of dirt.

Oh and did I mention; like father like son... Matt was on the winning team for a sandcastle building contest our church put on at Pismo Beach last month. Here's some pictures of their amazing sandcastle...

the cutest thing...

So I've been getting better and better at showing both boys how much I love them...it's harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel guilty gazing into Levi's eyes and talking to him for a minute while Caleb is playing close by. Or putting Levi down while I play outside with Caleb. But I've let the guilt go, and realized that I really can enjoy both boys at the same time, if just in my heart.

So I've been a little less on edge with Caleb the last couple days, and I really had fun playing with him yesterday! We pulled out a new tractor that we've been saving for a day he could enjoy it, and also pulled out a motorized train. I could not believe how much fun those two toys could be for an entire day!

But the thing that I will be pondering in my heart for a while is how Caleb responded to me yesterday. He was getting fussy and ready for his afternoon nap (he stills takes two during the day), and I scooped him up gave him his pacifier and said "you're sleepy huh? Do you know I love you?" He looked me in the eye, almost as if to see if I was serious, and he took out his pacifier and gave me a kiss on the cheek. My heart soared. We had a breakthough in that moment. And it felt so good to know that we still know each other in that special mommy-Caleb way!

six-week smiles

I love waiting until the moment you see the real smile, not just because of the fun sensation of gas in their bellies, but because they actually recognize your face and voice. Ah, there's really nothing else like it in the world!

a special gift

I'm now a mama of 2 boys! Levi Joshua was born April 8th, weighing in at 10 lbs 14 oz and 22 1/2 in long!!! Yes, he is a big boy, now only 6 weeks old but the size of a 3 month old. He is such a tremendous joy for our family, and Caleb loves him! Sometimes Caleb is a little too rough, but he loves giving Levi kisses and holding him.

Last night I went to a girls-night-in dinner with some groups from church and we were sharing around the circle for a while about some of our life long goals. At one point I got to encourage one of the girls (all college students) that I didn't want to be a mom either before I was married. She asked what changed. And it was amazing to respond that God had definitely changed my heart as I became healed just to be happy being a woman. And I said that He knew I was meant to give life to my two wonderful boys! What an amazing thought. As it came out of my mouth I got choked up at the thought of not having them in my life if I had not been healed by the Lord! And through these years of being healed as a woman I am now honestly able to say, I feel so privilege to be a mother!

What treasures they are in my life!

another wonderful boy!

We just found out today that we are expecting another boy! We are so excited that Caleb will have a brother so close in age to him. As we were looking at our new little one on the ultrasound screen, we were amazed that we could sense that his personality is different than Caleb's. Matt and I walked outside afterwards and he commented on this one having a more thoughtful, pensive personality, whereas Caleb is very social and outgoing. I felt the same thing.

It really is amazing to be expecting another boy! I had to overcome my surprise initially. This one threw me a bit, because the Lord was speaking to Matt and I both about having a girl. But looking back now, I know that was a promise that He will give us a girl someday!

My friend's response to our news today, was "Of course, isn't that what you were saying when you were delivering Caleb? God had this little boy in his heart as you were giving birth to your first boy!" I was so grateful for the reminder! I did have a dream during labor of our 2 boys working together, building, for the Kingdom of God! At the time I thought it was funny timing, but even then the Lord was preparing my heart!

Another friend's response was to read Psalm 127: 3-5 and the Lord really spoke to me:

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth.

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate."

This is such a wonderful promise from the Lord! Thank you Lord for the gift of children and the miracle each one is in your hand!

my little cutie...

our 5-month-old!

I can't believe I am the mother of a 5-month-old! Wasn't it just yesterday I had a watermelon for a belly? I feel so priviledged to have such an amazing son! Everyone who meets him remarks on how special he makes them feel for always smiling at them. As my mom says, "he's our angel baby!"

I was sitting across the table from a friend who was pouring out her heart, confessing that she feels like no one wants to listen to her, even the Lord. And I looked down at Caleb, who was sitting on my lap just looking at her, listening intently with a look of concern. I wish I had a camera to capture the moment. Caleb was a picture of truth for my friend. Just a glimpse at how God really listens to us, especially in the point of crucial need. Mothering is definitely a challenge, but those challenges are smothered by moments of true amazement and joy!

Caleb Love

behind a name

I am a harvester of grace, that is the meaning of my name. It has taken me over 20 years to discover a deep appreciation for the name I have been given. When I was little, my parents had hung a picture in my room of Ruth in the Bible, gleaning after the wheat harvesters, and something about that picture still clings to my soul. It spoke of seasons; seasons of planting and seasons of reaping, seasons of joy and of pain. It spoke of an appreciation for land and its produce; it spoke of a much bigger spiritual truth and the Lord of that harvest.

GRACE, what an amazing word! The dictionary has a multitude of definitions, here are a few; "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; moral strength; elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action." The fact that one of the definitions has the word "strength" in it dissipates my previous feelings toward this part of my name. To me, the word grace did not summate all of who I felt I was. I feel a passion and fire within me, which is too great to deemed "grace." But I understand that this word holds within it much more than the weakness I had thought. It is easy to be a passionate person who unleashes its manifestation wherever and whenever it seems necessary. But put that passion under control, under teaching, under selflessness, and you have grace! It does not mean that grace is void of passion, but it is passion under control. It is passion under the hand of God, who in the same way brings fragrance from a crushed flower, also brings grace from a broken and contrite heart!

I believe a person's name holds within it the key to their nature and destiny. God has changed the name of so many characters in the Bible, that it makes you stand back and ask the question, "Why?" Or at least it did for me. One example is of Jacob, his name means "Deceiver"; God changed his name to Israel, "Prince of God, one who wrestles with God." With that name came a destiny, for Israel had 12 sons from whom God formed a nation. I love the discovery of destiny for my life. God has called me Grace Harvester and I am in pursuit of the Harvest!