when my heart is overwhelmed...

"Overwhelmed" defined:

--rendered powerless especially by an excessive amount of something...

--to overpower especially with superior forces...

--to bury beneath a mass of something...

I rarely feel the need to use this word to describe how I'm feeling. I've learned over the years that this word is not necessary to overuse. So only in special circumstances have I used it. And now would be a perfect time to indulge.

About to have my third child, just moved into a new house, financial stress, friendships shifted, extended family unsettling, wanting my heart to be changed and simply put...grown larger, and just noise, noise, noise all around me, these are some of the things going on in my life. Questions unsettling me about our future, where we're going, and what it's going to look like. Feeling so much change all around me that I just want to look up to the heavens and scream: "It's too much!!! I'm undone! HELP me oh God!"

I learned this song growing up that has stuck with me in life. The lyrics are: "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I..." (Which comes from the scripture Psalm 61:2) It's in those times when I feel buried beneath something, or some greater force has come to try to overpower me, or an excessive amount of something has crept in the back door, I only need to be lead...period. And the thing that I've come to understand is that I can let these overwhelming forces lead me to a very unhealthy place, or I can allow the Lord (who allowed these things to come into my life in the first place) to lead me to the one place where my heart will be secure... only with Him!

As I was so kindly reminded by my husband tonight, I am a very strong woman. I hold things together pretty well. I can have a lot on my plate and still be steady. It's how the Lord raised me. I see problems and I will find solutions. I plow ahead even when it's not expected of me. I rarely sit things out, I want to be involved and on the fighting team.

But I've found out recently that I am only ever overwhelmed when I'm trying to fight something ON MY OWN! Even in the strength God's given me, I was never made to stand on my own. Pride has been part of my make-up for a very long time. But the Lord has been speaking pretty clear, that I cannot fight alone. I must yield to my Maker every time, every day, every season. He is the Rock on which I stand. If I didn't have Him to hold me up, I would fall every time.

So with Titus coming, I feel the Lord's encouragement that this is a new season of JOY not of hardship! 2 Corinthians 7:6 says, "But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus!" The Lord knows what we need in every season. And He is the one who makes my heart steady and who makes my feet secure on Him, my Rock! Thank you Jesus! I entrust my heart completely to YOU!

cheesy songs for silly boys

Caleb loves to dance and the Wiggles (as much as I really can't stand them) are one of the boys favorites. They have great catchy silly songs and I often hear Caleb and Levi quoting them and singing their songs. Here's a latest favorite for your enjoyment, "Do the flap":



Another one that Levi was randomly singing at the dinner table tonight was from the Backyardigans: "I'll catch a whopper." I couldn't find it to embed here, but if you care to look at this silly song, you can click on this link. :)

http://byjukebox.blogspot.com/2007/12/02-ill-catch-whopper.html

protection, permission and favor

When I think about my youth, I do remember I was pretty full of gusto. I would say anything that came into my head, and I wouldn't care what people thought of it. Some kids just don't seem to have that social filter of keeping your thoughts to yourself, and I was one of those kids.

Every once in a while, something settles in me that I shouldn't rock the boat if it's staying afloat. Keep the rules and the example you have seen set before you or you will present yourself vulnerable and weak to whatever criticism comes at you. Because when you do put yourself out there, people have something to say about it. So I sometimes strive for perfection in the boundaries I see around me, and I expect praise when I'm doing well. BUT... this presents a problem in that I'm so concerned about what people think about my performance, that I live only on the defense and not on the edge of the offensive. Which is where I know the Lord has called me to be. This settling really just makes me mad with myself because I know I've given up a part of me by just "fitting in".

I was in a class when I first came to Mercy Church, during Summer Project back in 2001, and I was one of the outspoken ones at the time. I spoke freely of what I believed and saw and understood. I could actually see I was somewhat different than those around me. One day, I was a little tired of putting my soul out there so I was quiet when the teacher asked for an answer. Others responded and we moved on. One of the guys in the class turned to me, and asked, "what are you doing?? You are so quiet! You LIVE for this kind of stuff." How I remember his words says even more of who I know myself to be. Because what he said was true.

The topic of permission has become something on the forefront of my mind recently. What permission do I have in certain relationships, or in the leadership that's been given to me? I seem to not want to step out of my position. And I often fear if I have gone too far. But there is a big difference between this fear which is unhealthy and choosing honor and living in the favor and permission that I have been given!

As I've taken this to the Lord, and recognized this fear of rejection, He has spoken to me that I have every permission of one of His daughters first and foremost. Anything I need I only have to lean over to speak into the Lord's ear and he hears me, He longs for me to bring Him the dreams in my heart and ask Him for wisdom in how to walk it out. For me to have that confidence in my Father. And then from there, take what favor and permission my leaders have given me, and run with everything I have, in all the creativity He's given me to accomplish my destiny in Him. In this there is great freedom and a release of my soul! And this is acually my covering and my protection, which the Lord provides for us.

I love Kim Walker-Smith as a worship leader, but also as a woman of God! Here she is teaching other worship leaders in training, and she has some great things to say about this topic, so I've included it below. The Lord is pleased with us running with honor, and in the favor we've been given. May we be a people who are not bound by fear of rejection or failure, that we can live our lives FULLY alive!

"Grace has called my name..."

I absolutely am grateful for this song, by Kathryn Scott, a worship leader from Ireland. I am forever in debt to my Savior for rescuing me from darkness and bringing me into His light!

honorable defender

I am a mother of three boys...who will soon enough grow to be men. This is a huge responsibility and I feel it. I thought the Lord was speaking to me about us having a girl next. The times that He spoke to my heart about our daughter were very special moments for me. But in the meantime, He has designed our family to grow three men, three husbands, three fathers. And I feel the Lord telling me that those hopes of a daughter are not dead, they just are not coming to reality yet. And as I look at our growing family of these boys, I know He is calling out the woman He has destined me to be. The mother who was born to be confident in giving love, not holding back, even when I feel like I can't possibly have any more to give.

Our third son will be named, Titus Gabriel. With each child, Matt and I have given them names that fit our current season in life, and the promise we have received from the Lord for our future. The meaning of Titus is "honorable", or "to honor". This has become a huge challenging lesson we have learned in the last 3 months. A lesson that the Lord has allowed us to walk through with great humility. But also, in learning to truly honor those in authority in our lives, it has brought such great joy and healing as we feel the pleasure of the Lord.

Titus also means "defender". On Fathers Day Sunday, one of the speakers at church talked about how a great gift children give to their parents is to stand in their defense. As he was talking, the Holy Spirit spoke to me again about why we have named this son, Titus. Our children are our great defense not only in the physical realm, but also in the spiritual. I love it!

Gabriel means, "God is my might". God is our strength when we have run out. And as we have our 3rd son, I'm sure we will be running out of our own strength quickly. Gabriel is a reminder that we don't have to just rely upon ourselves, and actually we shouldn't. God requires that we fully rely upon Him, going from His strength to strength.

Gabriel is also the name of my brother who passed away when he was almost 7 years old. This was 20 years ago now, and we felt it was very honoring to my family and to my brother.

So as we plan for this next addition in our lives, I feel ready and excited to expand our family from four to five. The thing that hits me the most lately, is that this isn't just a baby we are going to take care of; this is a person...a man who is destined to be alive at this time for a great purpose. And I look forward to seeing that purpose unfold!

faith

Levi has had a bump above his eye for about 2 years now. Doctors have said that it looks like a cyst or a group of cells under the skin. It had recently looked like it was increasing in size to the point where anyone who watched him would say, "I think he hit his eye...look he's got a bump here." We would explain time and again that no, he's had that since he was 1 month old. His doctor said that it really is important to have it removed now, as "the tumor" may continue to grow as Levi grows.

I can't tell you how shocked I was to hear that word come out of his mouth...tumor. He said he wasn't concerned at all, since we had had an ultrasound done on it when he was 9 months old, and we got the all clear. But none-the-less, it still needed to be dealt with.

Matt and I have been praying for healing of this bump since he was only a few months old. And recently a friend texted me about wanting to join us in praying and even fasting for his healing. I agreed to fast with her, and pray over this bump above his left eye.

It was about a week later that I woke up to Levi coming into our room in the morning, and his face just looked a little different. I looked at his eye, and...it seemed like the bump had gone down in size. I didn't say anything, waiting for Matt to notice. He noticed the next day, and commented about it looking smaller. Excitement filled my heart. Could it be? It is definitely smaller, but still slightly there.
I don't understand the faith for the healing Jesus talks about throughout the gospels. I don't know of any formula that guarantees, pray this and you will get this. I have seen so many suffer and be prayed for and nothing happens. So I don't understand it at all. But I do believe that the One who said my sins are forgiven and I'm washed clean of any guilt, that He could also physically heal me and those dearest to me.

I read this morning in Matthew about a leper that came to Jesus and said, "Jesus, if you are willing, heal me." Jesus didn't say much at all; he simply said, "I am willing, be healed!" The leper believed Jesus could heal him, he only asked if he was willing.

These are the questions I have struggled over in my lifetime, "Lord are you capable of healing," and "Lord are you willing to do it now?" I have seen small answers to these questions, and now I am seeing it again. Levi's physical appearance has changed...that is current evidence that Jesus is capable, and He is willing.

The last two days I've been telling the Lord..."Lord I believe, Lord Jesus I believe!" My heart has been crippled so severely by choosing doubt over Him. I'm ready to fully move into a greater realm of faith. Lord I believe, get rid of my unbelief!

attack of the bugs

We have bugs in our house. I've commented before about the large black crickets, but these...these are just so much worse!

I discovered them when I fearfully pulled up the blinds in our room, and winced as I chose to really look at the window sill. I was horrified! Hundreds of little bugs I had not seen before were crawling all over the ledge. "Sick!" I was almost crying at how gross the sight was. I ran to grab our cleaners, I grabbed two different ones just in case, and sprayed the living daylights out of these little creatures.

I had such an overwhelming sense of defeat and failure at my duty of keeping my house clean. I checked the boys room and yes...there they were. I was angry, really angry. How could this happen? I just wanted to move...NOW!

Matt walked in after the process of cleaning, and saw that I was on the verge of tears and exasperation. He tried to look up the bug for me on the internet, but no luck. As he was scrolling through some options of the bug, all I could say was, "sick" over and over again.

Which is what we had been for 2 weeks now. Maybe they were the culprit. It's funny how you try to blame something, anything when you are feeling completely defeated.

Ahhhh, this I discovered was the perfect analogy of my life at the moment. Bugs coming into our lives to try to destroy our peace, our sense of safety. These bugs aren't people, mind you. They reside only in the spirit realm, and they have tried to come into our "home" to destroy our very security in the Lord.

I was spending a moment with the Lord recently, and He showed me a picture in my mind and heart of a flower alone in a field. This flower was barely hanging on, wind and rain were still hounding this little fragile flower. "Oh Lord," I said with a huge sigh, "that's me!" He then showed me how much He is capable of shielding that flower from the elements in order for this flower to regain strength. Tears, sobbing, gratefulness exuded from my heart. And I knew at that moment, I only need to ask for help from the One who sees and knows me.

"Let go, Anne. I've got it!"

So there I was leading worship this Sunday, totally feeling defeated again. My voice was almost hoarse and I was the only one who could lead this Sunday. Then through some friends around me, they reminded me of the very words the Lord had spoken to me, "Let go, Anne. I've got it!" So I went up to lead with that in my heart, and the faith in the One who could move this incredible mountain. I felt the strength in my voice return as I was singing; I felt Him give me strength and an increasing joy, and gratefulness was overcoming the defeat. I almost felt I was glowing about to explode because I was experiencing the miracle of the Lord. One of the songs we sang says it so perfectly, "I have found a peace, that plows on through the storm/ I have found a joy that jumps over sadness..." I have found Him!

When the Lord is our helper, these bugs just have no opportunity to gain the victory. And I am so very thankful for that!

what keeps me going at the moment...

I woke up yesterday morning and the Lord gave me the scripture, Isaiah 51:3

"And her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and sound of a melody."

The Lord knows what we need, and when we come to Him, He is so faithful to give us exactly what our spirits long to hear.

Then this morning at 3am, I found myself totally awake, shifting in my bed, trying to pretend that I could easily fall back into deep sleep. So I started praying, really praying. I knew this was not a coincidence, because some serious events have led up to this point in our lives. So after an hour, I decided to ask the Lord if he wanted me to read something from the Bible, since sleep was apparently not an option. So I ventured out into the living room, and read and prayed for another hour. This is the scripture I heard him say to read:

Jeremiah 31: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness- Israel, when it went to find its rest. The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindess. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt...Again you will take up your tambourines, and go forth to the dances of the merrymakers..." And it goes on and on about Israel's mourning turned to joy.

I love how the Lord confirms his word to us, if we allow him to speak. So at the moment He is speaking to me about wilderness, rest, grace, joy, rebuilding, and restoring...exactly what I need to hear. But I believe this is for you too, which is why I have shared it here. Be encouraged, I know this is the time to really seek what the Lord desires and what He wants for our lives. To hear him speaking words of restoration and grace.

What has He been speaking to you? I'd love to hear!

family of five

Some very fun events have taken place in the last couple months. My motherhood is taking on another blessing and challenge. We will soon be a visible family of 5! As I dream about this new little one growing inside of me, I feel overwhelmed with the hope that we will have a girl. We will be delighted with either one, as Matt puts is "we just felt it was time for another child...boy or girl."

This deep hope that I have bubbling within me is so different than I've felt before. I have never felt this aching desire for our little girl like I do now. And with this desire, I know the Lord will give her to us whether it be now later, she will be here one day! But this is speaking something to me that I have to share.

I'm really getting good at raising boys. I love being goofy and rough with them...comforting them when they are hurt, while calling them to take care of those around them. They call something out of me as well. It's a determination to conquer whatever is in front of me.

When I think about raising a girl, someone who is like me in many ways, who is an extention of my womanhood, there is a softness that rises within me. And it's such an amazing feeling. It stirs up the feelings of inner beauty, graceful devotion, eyes rising to the horizon with a fierce hope and faith in the One who created me. It's as if this longing for a girl, also gives me permission to be fully woman. And I could use the little boost in that direction.

I love what our children have brought Matt and I individually and to our marriage. And we are venturing together into raising 3 of them...three little us's! There is no greater joy and challenge in a lifetime. Lord, give me exactly what I need for this next great change.

dreaming

I love music.

I love singing, feeling the rush of my soul coming out of my mouth. It fulfills a very unique aspect of who I am. The more I dream and see what I would love my future to include, the more I see music coming out of my mouth, my eyes, my fingertips...pretty much all of me.

I came across some songs I had written about ten years ago that I thought I had lost. And as I read them printed on yellowed paper (seriously) all of the memories of the time spent pouring over these songs came back into my heart. The feelings, the pain, the joy, the moment writing each one. And after this time of remembering, I realized something...I am most alive when I'm inside music, and God has created me as a worship leader!

Whoa! I have NEVER considered this before. I only considered it as a side thing. But when I think and feel who God has created me to me, the picture of King David comes into my heart; dancing before the Arc of the Covenant, before the presence of God, ushering in His presence, being completely free before Him and before everyone who witnessed it. And David created that moment as he responded to the Joy of His presence. He created something, simply by being free. I love that freedom, and I experience it the most when I sing and yes, when I dance randomly in my personal times of worship, as well as jumping around on stage, (yes, I said jumping).

It's as if I was created to do these things. It's a crazy revelation. I'm getting pretty free on the stage at our church as well. It doesn't get better than singing and not caring what people think about you, but just being enamored with the King and his church!

I'm dreaming about recording music, and this dream keeps me awake at night sometimes. It is those dreams which burn in our hearts that help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In joyful expectation of what is coming just ahead!

love is here

I didn't tell him I was sad, I didn't tell him much of anything, other than he couldn't go outside right now. I was exhausted and I felt the only thing I could do was take a nap somehow with already-napped boys who were currently crying and yelling at each other.

Yes, this was the perfect time to try to shut my eyes in the living room. Levi started crying again, and I felt I couldn't handle much more at that moment. So what did I do? I walked straight to my room, got into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head. Levi came to find me, but the game quickly wore off. He found something to play with.

By that time my head came out from under the covers, and Caleb came in complaining that he still wanted to go outside. I explained I would go outside with him in a little bit. Then...I pulled the covers over my head. I was feeling sad.

Then Caleb said something like, "this is terrible!" And I thought he was going to say something worse too, but instead, what he said changed my day.

"I'm here to love you Mommy! I'm here to love you! God is with you Mommy! God is really with you! I'm going to pray for you."

So I pulled my covers down and couldn't keep the smile in my heart from finding it's way onto my face. He held my hand, laid his head on the pillow and said, "God, I pray for Mommy, and I pray for Daddy, Amen!"

"Thank you, Caleb!" I got up pretty quick after that. Such a wonderful reminder from my 3-year-old. "I'm here to love you!" How can you be selfish when you have someone to remind you of their love? My sadness instantly was gone, and Caleb's prayer was answered. Such a priceless moment with my son! He is learning to be such a man of FAITH. I could learn a lot from him.

Thank you, Lord!

the moose's story

Caleb and Levi have created their own dialogue and Matt and I have no idea where it started. But to say the least...we think it's hilarious. I thought I'd share it with you:

Levi: Moose...HUM!

Caleb: No the moose is not home...the moose is at SCHOOL!

Levi: No! Moose...HUM!

Caleb: NO THE MOOSE IS NOT HOME! The moose is at SCHOOL!

Levi: oh.

Play resumes as normal following this little interaction.

celebrating

I turned 30.

30 years is just... a long time! I think I've spent a whole year thinking about turning 30 that when the day finally came, it didn't seem like such a big deal. I've actually thought of all the great things I've still to look forward to, and the things that I've come through already. I have concluded that I indeed don't feel 30, and that's what makes all the difference!

Matt and I went to Disneyland on my birthday, and it was very surreal. I was remembering family trips to this fantastical land, and times I've been with friends in college, and Matt and I were able to make some new memories of our own. We had so much fun, and definitely felt like kids all over again. Laughing, reflecting, envisioning...talking about family, about ministry, about business. It didn't really matter what we talked about, all I felt was LOVED. He surprised me with a room full of 30 balloons, and a picture frame of a collage of our family pictures through the last few years. Sweet!

Now I look forward to what's ahead. It's very easy to get caught up in what I haven't accomplished and the dreams that I haven't seen come to fruition...and there are many! The Lord is giving me right now a renewed hope for where He's taking me. He has removed the largest hindrance from my life this year...the fear of "man"...in other words, the deep desire to please people...that's gone. And oh how it held me back over the years!

The next 30 years of my life will be characterized by love...loving the Lord and loving each person. This is my dream, goal, purpose, vision, motto. And that I may live in the freedom that Jesus so costly bought for me!

I have been made new!

cheesey love

I had to include some fun footage of my sons having fun together. It's so easy to think of the times where they are not getting along. But it's really important to celebrate how much they are becoming great friends.

It reminds me of growing up with my sister and never feeling like I was alone...I had a built in friend. And even when we didn't get along during the day, I have fond memories of us laying in our beds, in our shared room, and talking until one of us fell asleep.

I really encourage our sons to see each other as friends, because I know the Lord has given them to each other for a purpose.

It gives me so much joy to see them playing together.

grace defined...biblically speaking

I love defining the word grace, as this is the meaning of my given name, and because I like to understand the depth of the grace of the Lord for our lives. I was just listening to a song by the David Crowder*Band called "Oh, Happiness"...one of the lines says, "there's grace enough for us and the whole human race." So my mind has been mulling over this word.

One of the books I've been reading, "The Holy Spirit, My Senior Partner" touches on the grace of the Lord. Here's what Dr. Cho has to say about it:

"The greeks defined grace originally as 'the ultimate in beauty.' When the beauty of something gave joy to the viewer or hearer, the Greeks said it was full of grace. A second meaning was 'favor,' good will given out of unconditional, overflowing love with no expectation of reward or payment. A third meaning of grace referred to a praiseworthy work, exhibiting virtues far exceeding the common."

I've been more conscious of my need of His grace as of late. It is because of His grace, that I don't need to hold myself at such a high level of perfection. I can admit that I am wrong more easily, because I am aware of His almighty grace which covers me. My faults do not define me anymore. What a tremendous journey this has been recently. It has been more difficult to write because I have felt the depth of me being stirred and turned inside out. I have a deep confidence in my Savior and in His love for me. It has been the process of a new redemption, and a new freedom and a confident assured faith in the one who gave these things to me.

His grace is our sufficiency!

"May the grace of the Lord Jesus, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all!" -2 Corintians 13:14

coming back to joy

I've realized lately, that I focus a lot on the hard things of life when I write in this blog. I just watched "Julia & Julie", which by the way Matt and I laughed almost all the way through. Not because it's really funny, but because it's so true to real life. And in the movie, Julie started writing a blog. I realized along with the main character that blogging can tempt us to focus so much on ourselves and our struggles and triumphs that we can wake up one day to the harsh realization that...what?...I'm not the center of the universe??? It is very tempting to go there in this little world I've created online!

So I'm in search of something to really celebrate in life through blogging. And one of those things is obviously raising these wonderful children in my life. Sometimes I get carried away with how much I just want to snuggle them and say over and over "I just love you!" In light of this I thought I would add a video of one such moments caught on video...this is rare footage, folks!

Here's to the joy in life!


AND...today is Caleb's 3rd birthday! It has gone by so fast. It's hard to remember just having him to ourselves before Levi was born. He has grown up to be such a passionate, sensitive, and lively 3 year old...and we wouldn't have it any other way. He fills our home with joy and a zest for life and love. Happy birthday Caleb!

Early morning IHOP breakfast this morning. He's learning how to hold his fingers when he says, "3!"

I had to include these pictures from the SLO Children's Museum. He spent so much time on that firetruck and he loved dressing up!

help

I haven't written in what seems like a very long time. That is not to say that nothing worthy of writing about has happened. Enough stuff has happened in the last month to make my insides feel like they are escaping any which way they can, and thus my center is off balance. But what can I write about it? That is where I have come to an abrubt stop in the writers' flow, and have officially reached...the block!

I could easily write about the Lord's faithfulness to me, as I have experienced first hand what it means to find a refuge in Him, but that seems like not enough, that does not do justice to what I've been experiencing.

This morning as I was literally crying to the Lord, I felt Him picking me up, broken as I was, and He said to me, "Let me carry that burden for you. It's too heavy for you anyways." So again, I'm learning what it means to

just

let

go...


I have had so many night dreams lately. This is another way the Lord is using to speak deeply into my life. Things that I don't know, things that I can't see, things that I need to know in order to keep moving forward. And it is reminding me again, that I'm not in control. I have Someone who is my great help, when I feel completely stuck, and I don't know which way to go, He is my help.

"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains, from where does my help come from...my help comes from the Lord" This Psalm (121) keeps coming to mind over and over and over again. I have help! I'm not the end all. Praise the Lord!

Bass Lake Pics

Okay so I only took 5 pictures while at Bass Lake and I'm really hoping I can steal some from my family! It was such a great time away, and the weather was perfect. The boys were so excited to be there, and to have the freedom to roam in new territory. They definitely kept Matt and I on our toes, but we were so very grateful when my parents or an aunt or uncle kept an eye on them while we had fun on the waverunners!

My Grandparents, who are in their 80's now, had a great time as well on the water. It was so fun to see them out there.

The boys were so tired when we left they were out by the first 10 minutes.

Mah-nee and four-oh-nine

I really wonder sometimes where my boys get some of the things that come out of their mouths...and not in a bad way.

For about a year now, Caleb will randomly call something a four-oh-nine. Typically it has to do with something in paper form, like a receipt or a business card. We ask him what he has in his hands and he says, "Oh, this is 409," while shrugging his shoulders and putting a little downward curl to his lips. We really have no idea where he got that from...no idea!

Lately when I call out Caleb's name from the other room, asking him to come here, Levi repeats after me, "MAH-NEE!" So how did he get Mah-nee from Caleb??? They don't even sound alike at all! But that's what he calls Caleb. It's pretty funny!

Sometimes it's just the way something is interpreted in their heads...I guess.

(Thanks Jen Dean for some of these pictures! :))

gone...really gone!

I sat there, by his bed, for probably about half an hour, before I realized he was gone. His little body was there, but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't wake him up and he wasn't going to come back to us. I prayed several times in those few days after he had gone, specifically for Jesus to "raise him from the dead." Just as I had read about and my parents had told me about; Jesus coming back to life after he had died. But for one reason or another, Jesus didn't do it this time.

My response was shock. He is God of the universe, and he wouldn't do this miracle for my brother? I was confused, let down, and then I could feel doubt creep into my ten-year-old little heart. I believed steadfastly that God was real, but I just didn't know about the part in the Bible where he said he heals us.

This crazy wrestling in my heart over the last year or so, has been centered around the concept of God-who-heals. I believe he does, as I see it in 3rd world countries and randomly friends of mine have had amazing testimonies of how God healed them. But something in my heart just couldn't go there, but desperately wanted to believe. My heart kept going back to that moment by his bed, where I had unbelievable faith for a miracle that didn't happen. In wrestling with doubt and faith, doubt frequently won me over since then, just because it was easier.

These last few weeks something has definitely been broken. And it is easier to have faith than it is to doubt. God has won me over. And it started with a headache.

I was in bed one morning and the boys were running around, Matt was getting ready for work, and I had a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I made that very clear to everyone. Matt said to Caleb, "Let's pray for Mommy." Caleb and Matt walked over to me, I was a bit reluctant because I really did enjoy laying in bed at that moment. But as they put their hands on my head, I felt the faintest sliver of tiny faith in me come to the forefront of my mind. I could see that Jesus was able, and I wanted him to do it. Then...the pain was just...GONE! Gone gone gone, no more, nothing there, not even a little bit. I jumped out of bed, literally...ecstatic..."it's gone!"

Now I know that the distinction between knowing God CAN heal, and experiencing that He is WILLING to heal ME, is huge! He did it for ME. And He has done it two more times since that incident. Every time, I feel no faith and then there it comes, that faintest sliver of tiny faith coming to the forefront of my mind, and then the headache is gone. This last time it was a migraine so bad that I just wanted to leave the meeting I was in and just go lay down in my van. Then Jesus comes into the scene and brings complete salvation healing. To my spirit He brings faith, to my body he brings healing.

And the doubt is gone...really gone. I have wanted to believe, really believe. And now we're going into deeper waters, and the Holy Spirit is bringing life where there was death, faith where I was dried up with doubt, and joy where there was complete sadness and heaviness of heart. He is saving me again...again and again. And I am experiencing a freedom to trust the savior of the world, and the redeemer of my life.

just another picture or two

We had a great time at Avila Valley Barn on Saturday! We met some friends there, and the boys had a blast as always. This picture is so incredibly sweet! I got a little teared up when I saw it. I just love that our friend captured a fun moment. (Thanks, Ron!)

Some Avila Beach Fun

boys and a girl

We had a great time taking care of one of my friend's little girl. She is super sweet, and for the most part they all got along really well. But there were times where Caleb was a little too rough, and times where I seemed a little nervous, not really knowing how to interact with her. I think I'm overexaggerating but, it was slightly different with a little girl around here! I did like trying to put her hair in a pony tail...there's a first time for everything!

musical sounds (pt 2)

So here's another video about how much we love to sing in our house. This one was taken a while ago, and I finally made my way into some video in our house. It's definitely a rarety for us.


This is a song that I grew up singing with my family, and one where my dad made up motions so that it would stick in our heads forever...and it has!

Here's the lyrics:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can, I know you will
You fight my battles if I just be still
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday

musical sounds

I thought I would share some videos showing how much we love music in our house. I haven't been able to upload these yet...so some of them are old and some are new.

This first one shows Caleb spontaneously singing the first song he's sung with all the words. As you will see, there aren't that many, but Mama is still really impressed!

Matt is a hidden talent as far as music goes. He's quite versatile on the instruments! As you can see:

(I'll upload more video later...)

the diamond

"Have a vision

that pulls you through

the pain of

transformation."