what keeps me going at the moment...

I woke up yesterday morning and the Lord gave me the scripture, Isaiah 51:3

"And her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and sound of a melody."

The Lord knows what we need, and when we come to Him, He is so faithful to give us exactly what our spirits long to hear.

Then this morning at 3am, I found myself totally awake, shifting in my bed, trying to pretend that I could easily fall back into deep sleep. So I started praying, really praying. I knew this was not a coincidence, because some serious events have led up to this point in our lives. So after an hour, I decided to ask the Lord if he wanted me to read something from the Bible, since sleep was apparently not an option. So I ventured out into the living room, and read and prayed for another hour. This is the scripture I heard him say to read:

Jeremiah 31: "The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness- Israel, when it went to find its rest. The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindess. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt...Again you will take up your tambourines, and go forth to the dances of the merrymakers..." And it goes on and on about Israel's mourning turned to joy.

I love how the Lord confirms his word to us, if we allow him to speak. So at the moment He is speaking to me about wilderness, rest, grace, joy, rebuilding, and restoring...exactly what I need to hear. But I believe this is for you too, which is why I have shared it here. Be encouraged, I know this is the time to really seek what the Lord desires and what He wants for our lives. To hear him speaking words of restoration and grace.

What has He been speaking to you? I'd love to hear!

family of five

Some very fun events have taken place in the last couple months. My motherhood is taking on another blessing and challenge. We will soon be a visible family of 5! As I dream about this new little one growing inside of me, I feel overwhelmed with the hope that we will have a girl. We will be delighted with either one, as Matt puts is "we just felt it was time for another child...boy or girl."

This deep hope that I have bubbling within me is so different than I've felt before. I have never felt this aching desire for our little girl like I do now. And with this desire, I know the Lord will give her to us whether it be now later, she will be here one day! But this is speaking something to me that I have to share.

I'm really getting good at raising boys. I love being goofy and rough with them...comforting them when they are hurt, while calling them to take care of those around them. They call something out of me as well. It's a determination to conquer whatever is in front of me.

When I think about raising a girl, someone who is like me in many ways, who is an extention of my womanhood, there is a softness that rises within me. And it's such an amazing feeling. It stirs up the feelings of inner beauty, graceful devotion, eyes rising to the horizon with a fierce hope and faith in the One who created me. It's as if this longing for a girl, also gives me permission to be fully woman. And I could use the little boost in that direction.

I love what our children have brought Matt and I individually and to our marriage. And we are venturing together into raising 3 of them...three little us's! There is no greater joy and challenge in a lifetime. Lord, give me exactly what I need for this next great change.

dreaming

I love music.

I love singing, feeling the rush of my soul coming out of my mouth. It fulfills a very unique aspect of who I am. The more I dream and see what I would love my future to include, the more I see music coming out of my mouth, my eyes, my fingertips...pretty much all of me.

I came across some songs I had written about ten years ago that I thought I had lost. And as I read them printed on yellowed paper (seriously) all of the memories of the time spent pouring over these songs came back into my heart. The feelings, the pain, the joy, the moment writing each one. And after this time of remembering, I realized something...I am most alive when I'm inside music, and God has created me as a worship leader!

Whoa! I have NEVER considered this before. I only considered it as a side thing. But when I think and feel who God has created me to me, the picture of King David comes into my heart; dancing before the Arc of the Covenant, before the presence of God, ushering in His presence, being completely free before Him and before everyone who witnessed it. And David created that moment as he responded to the Joy of His presence. He created something, simply by being free. I love that freedom, and I experience it the most when I sing and yes, when I dance randomly in my personal times of worship, as well as jumping around on stage, (yes, I said jumping).

It's as if I was created to do these things. It's a crazy revelation. I'm getting pretty free on the stage at our church as well. It doesn't get better than singing and not caring what people think about you, but just being enamored with the King and his church!

I'm dreaming about recording music, and this dream keeps me awake at night sometimes. It is those dreams which burn in our hearts that help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In joyful expectation of what is coming just ahead!

love is here

I didn't tell him I was sad, I didn't tell him much of anything, other than he couldn't go outside right now. I was exhausted and I felt the only thing I could do was take a nap somehow with already-napped boys who were currently crying and yelling at each other.

Yes, this was the perfect time to try to shut my eyes in the living room. Levi started crying again, and I felt I couldn't handle much more at that moment. So what did I do? I walked straight to my room, got into my bed, and pulled the covers over my head. Levi came to find me, but the game quickly wore off. He found something to play with.

By that time my head came out from under the covers, and Caleb came in complaining that he still wanted to go outside. I explained I would go outside with him in a little bit. Then...I pulled the covers over my head. I was feeling sad.

Then Caleb said something like, "this is terrible!" And I thought he was going to say something worse too, but instead, what he said changed my day.

"I'm here to love you Mommy! I'm here to love you! God is with you Mommy! God is really with you! I'm going to pray for you."

So I pulled my covers down and couldn't keep the smile in my heart from finding it's way onto my face. He held my hand, laid his head on the pillow and said, "God, I pray for Mommy, and I pray for Daddy, Amen!"

"Thank you, Caleb!" I got up pretty quick after that. Such a wonderful reminder from my 3-year-old. "I'm here to love you!" How can you be selfish when you have someone to remind you of their love? My sadness instantly was gone, and Caleb's prayer was answered. Such a priceless moment with my son! He is learning to be such a man of FAITH. I could learn a lot from him.

Thank you, Lord!

the moose's story

Caleb and Levi have created their own dialogue and Matt and I have no idea where it started. But to say the least...we think it's hilarious. I thought I'd share it with you:

Levi: Moose...HUM!

Caleb: No the moose is not home...the moose is at SCHOOL!

Levi: No! Moose...HUM!

Caleb: NO THE MOOSE IS NOT HOME! The moose is at SCHOOL!

Levi: oh.

Play resumes as normal following this little interaction.

celebrating

I turned 30.

30 years is just... a long time! I think I've spent a whole year thinking about turning 30 that when the day finally came, it didn't seem like such a big deal. I've actually thought of all the great things I've still to look forward to, and the things that I've come through already. I have concluded that I indeed don't feel 30, and that's what makes all the difference!

Matt and I went to Disneyland on my birthday, and it was very surreal. I was remembering family trips to this fantastical land, and times I've been with friends in college, and Matt and I were able to make some new memories of our own. We had so much fun, and definitely felt like kids all over again. Laughing, reflecting, envisioning...talking about family, about ministry, about business. It didn't really matter what we talked about, all I felt was LOVED. He surprised me with a room full of 30 balloons, and a picture frame of a collage of our family pictures through the last few years. Sweet!

Now I look forward to what's ahead. It's very easy to get caught up in what I haven't accomplished and the dreams that I haven't seen come to fruition...and there are many! The Lord is giving me right now a renewed hope for where He's taking me. He has removed the largest hindrance from my life this year...the fear of "man"...in other words, the deep desire to please people...that's gone. And oh how it held me back over the years!

The next 30 years of my life will be characterized by love...loving the Lord and loving each person. This is my dream, goal, purpose, vision, motto. And that I may live in the freedom that Jesus so costly bought for me!

I have been made new!

cheesey love

I had to include some fun footage of my sons having fun together. It's so easy to think of the times where they are not getting along. But it's really important to celebrate how much they are becoming great friends.

It reminds me of growing up with my sister and never feeling like I was alone...I had a built in friend. And even when we didn't get along during the day, I have fond memories of us laying in our beds, in our shared room, and talking until one of us fell asleep.

I really encourage our sons to see each other as friends, because I know the Lord has given them to each other for a purpose.

It gives me so much joy to see them playing together.

grace defined...biblically speaking

I love defining the word grace, as this is the meaning of my given name, and because I like to understand the depth of the grace of the Lord for our lives. I was just listening to a song by the David Crowder*Band called "Oh, Happiness"...one of the lines says, "there's grace enough for us and the whole human race." So my mind has been mulling over this word.

One of the books I've been reading, "The Holy Spirit, My Senior Partner" touches on the grace of the Lord. Here's what Dr. Cho has to say about it:

"The greeks defined grace originally as 'the ultimate in beauty.' When the beauty of something gave joy to the viewer or hearer, the Greeks said it was full of grace. A second meaning was 'favor,' good will given out of unconditional, overflowing love with no expectation of reward or payment. A third meaning of grace referred to a praiseworthy work, exhibiting virtues far exceeding the common."

I've been more conscious of my need of His grace as of late. It is because of His grace, that I don't need to hold myself at such a high level of perfection. I can admit that I am wrong more easily, because I am aware of His almighty grace which covers me. My faults do not define me anymore. What a tremendous journey this has been recently. It has been more difficult to write because I have felt the depth of me being stirred and turned inside out. I have a deep confidence in my Savior and in His love for me. It has been the process of a new redemption, and a new freedom and a confident assured faith in the one who gave these things to me.

His grace is our sufficiency!

"May the grace of the Lord Jesus, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all!" -2 Corintians 13:14

coming back to joy

I've realized lately, that I focus a lot on the hard things of life when I write in this blog. I just watched "Julia & Julie", which by the way Matt and I laughed almost all the way through. Not because it's really funny, but because it's so true to real life. And in the movie, Julie started writing a blog. I realized along with the main character that blogging can tempt us to focus so much on ourselves and our struggles and triumphs that we can wake up one day to the harsh realization that...what?...I'm not the center of the universe??? It is very tempting to go there in this little world I've created online!

So I'm in search of something to really celebrate in life through blogging. And one of those things is obviously raising these wonderful children in my life. Sometimes I get carried away with how much I just want to snuggle them and say over and over "I just love you!" In light of this I thought I would add a video of one such moments caught on video...this is rare footage, folks!

Here's to the joy in life!


AND...today is Caleb's 3rd birthday! It has gone by so fast. It's hard to remember just having him to ourselves before Levi was born. He has grown up to be such a passionate, sensitive, and lively 3 year old...and we wouldn't have it any other way. He fills our home with joy and a zest for life and love. Happy birthday Caleb!

Early morning IHOP breakfast this morning. He's learning how to hold his fingers when he says, "3!"

I had to include these pictures from the SLO Children's Museum. He spent so much time on that firetruck and he loved dressing up!

help

I haven't written in what seems like a very long time. That is not to say that nothing worthy of writing about has happened. Enough stuff has happened in the last month to make my insides feel like they are escaping any which way they can, and thus my center is off balance. But what can I write about it? That is where I have come to an abrubt stop in the writers' flow, and have officially reached...the block!

I could easily write about the Lord's faithfulness to me, as I have experienced first hand what it means to find a refuge in Him, but that seems like not enough, that does not do justice to what I've been experiencing.

This morning as I was literally crying to the Lord, I felt Him picking me up, broken as I was, and He said to me, "Let me carry that burden for you. It's too heavy for you anyways." So again, I'm learning what it means to

just

let

go...


I have had so many night dreams lately. This is another way the Lord is using to speak deeply into my life. Things that I don't know, things that I can't see, things that I need to know in order to keep moving forward. And it is reminding me again, that I'm not in control. I have Someone who is my great help, when I feel completely stuck, and I don't know which way to go, He is my help.

"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains, from where does my help come from...my help comes from the Lord" This Psalm (121) keeps coming to mind over and over and over again. I have help! I'm not the end all. Praise the Lord!

Bass Lake Pics

Okay so I only took 5 pictures while at Bass Lake and I'm really hoping I can steal some from my family! It was such a great time away, and the weather was perfect. The boys were so excited to be there, and to have the freedom to roam in new territory. They definitely kept Matt and I on our toes, but we were so very grateful when my parents or an aunt or uncle kept an eye on them while we had fun on the waverunners!

My Grandparents, who are in their 80's now, had a great time as well on the water. It was so fun to see them out there.

The boys were so tired when we left they were out by the first 10 minutes.

Mah-nee and four-oh-nine

I really wonder sometimes where my boys get some of the things that come out of their mouths...and not in a bad way.

For about a year now, Caleb will randomly call something a four-oh-nine. Typically it has to do with something in paper form, like a receipt or a business card. We ask him what he has in his hands and he says, "Oh, this is 409," while shrugging his shoulders and putting a little downward curl to his lips. We really have no idea where he got that from...no idea!

Lately when I call out Caleb's name from the other room, asking him to come here, Levi repeats after me, "MAH-NEE!" So how did he get Mah-nee from Caleb??? They don't even sound alike at all! But that's what he calls Caleb. It's pretty funny!

Sometimes it's just the way something is interpreted in their heads...I guess.

(Thanks Jen Dean for some of these pictures! :))

gone...really gone!

I sat there, by his bed, for probably about half an hour, before I realized he was gone. His little body was there, but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't wake him up and he wasn't going to come back to us. I prayed several times in those few days after he had gone, specifically for Jesus to "raise him from the dead." Just as I had read about and my parents had told me about; Jesus coming back to life after he had died. But for one reason or another, Jesus didn't do it this time.

My response was shock. He is God of the universe, and he wouldn't do this miracle for my brother? I was confused, let down, and then I could feel doubt creep into my ten-year-old little heart. I believed steadfastly that God was real, but I just didn't know about the part in the Bible where he said he heals us.

This crazy wrestling in my heart over the last year or so, has been centered around the concept of God-who-heals. I believe he does, as I see it in 3rd world countries and randomly friends of mine have had amazing testimonies of how God healed them. But something in my heart just couldn't go there, but desperately wanted to believe. My heart kept going back to that moment by his bed, where I had unbelievable faith for a miracle that didn't happen. In wrestling with doubt and faith, doubt frequently won me over since then, just because it was easier.

These last few weeks something has definitely been broken. And it is easier to have faith than it is to doubt. God has won me over. And it started with a headache.

I was in bed one morning and the boys were running around, Matt was getting ready for work, and I had a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I made that very clear to everyone. Matt said to Caleb, "Let's pray for Mommy." Caleb and Matt walked over to me, I was a bit reluctant because I really did enjoy laying in bed at that moment. But as they put their hands on my head, I felt the faintest sliver of tiny faith in me come to the forefront of my mind. I could see that Jesus was able, and I wanted him to do it. Then...the pain was just...GONE! Gone gone gone, no more, nothing there, not even a little bit. I jumped out of bed, literally...ecstatic..."it's gone!"

Now I know that the distinction between knowing God CAN heal, and experiencing that He is WILLING to heal ME, is huge! He did it for ME. And He has done it two more times since that incident. Every time, I feel no faith and then there it comes, that faintest sliver of tiny faith coming to the forefront of my mind, and then the headache is gone. This last time it was a migraine so bad that I just wanted to leave the meeting I was in and just go lay down in my van. Then Jesus comes into the scene and brings complete salvation healing. To my spirit He brings faith, to my body he brings healing.

And the doubt is gone...really gone. I have wanted to believe, really believe. And now we're going into deeper waters, and the Holy Spirit is bringing life where there was death, faith where I was dried up with doubt, and joy where there was complete sadness and heaviness of heart. He is saving me again...again and again. And I am experiencing a freedom to trust the savior of the world, and the redeemer of my life.

just another picture or two

We had a great time at Avila Valley Barn on Saturday! We met some friends there, and the boys had a blast as always. This picture is so incredibly sweet! I got a little teared up when I saw it. I just love that our friend captured a fun moment. (Thanks, Ron!)

Some Avila Beach Fun

boys and a girl

We had a great time taking care of one of my friend's little girl. She is super sweet, and for the most part they all got along really well. But there were times where Caleb was a little too rough, and times where I seemed a little nervous, not really knowing how to interact with her. I think I'm overexaggerating but, it was slightly different with a little girl around here! I did like trying to put her hair in a pony tail...there's a first time for everything!

musical sounds (pt 2)

So here's another video about how much we love to sing in our house. This one was taken a while ago, and I finally made my way into some video in our house. It's definitely a rarety for us.


This is a song that I grew up singing with my family, and one where my dad made up motions so that it would stick in our heads forever...and it has!

Here's the lyrics:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can, I know you will
You fight my battles if I just be still
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday

musical sounds

I thought I would share some videos showing how much we love music in our house. I haven't been able to upload these yet...so some of them are old and some are new.

This first one shows Caleb spontaneously singing the first song he's sung with all the words. As you will see, there aren't that many, but Mama is still really impressed!

Matt is a hidden talent as far as music goes. He's quite versatile on the instruments! As you can see:

(I'll upload more video later...)

the diamond

"Have a vision

that pulls you through

the pain of

transformation."

fear not!

I love little reminders we often get from our children! Caleb woke up early again this morning at 5:30am and came into our room asking for his "paci". After I couldn't find it in his room, and in the process woke up Levi, put Levi back to sleep, then had to break the news to a-very-attached-to-his-paci Caleb...we all tried to go back to sleep. After half hour of trying to do that, Caleb got out of bed, said he wanted to play Legos in the living room, I told them where they were and he went to it.


When I finally climbed out of bed, and made it to the living room one of the first things he said was, "look, an angel". After I acknowledged surprisingly that it indeed looked like an angel, he followed with, "Fear not!" Even though he might not be aware of what that means, it really encouraged me this morning. And I love that Caleb is getting so creative with building Legos! He's truly his father's son.

"From the mouths of little children and infants,

you have built a fortress against your opponents to silence the enemy and the avenger."

~Psalm 8:2~

gently

Tuesday I was surprised by little things throughout the day that reminded me of the goodness of the Lord. His goodness is here, not because of anything I do or don't do, He is just good. And there are moments when I choose to remember it, or I stop to see it and I respond with thankfulness.

Tuesday I was on my way to a playgroup, I had to stop at the store to get a snack. When I was walking out the door, a woman stopped me with these words, "would you like some free roses?" Of course! I turned around and put out my arms to receive two dozen beautiful deep red roses. They were so beautiful. She said they had bloomed to much to sell. I walked out with Levi, grocery bag, roses, and Caleb somewhere in front of me. It was a moment where I remembered the Lord's love and blessing on me. He really does love me!

We have some amazing friends in our lives who willingly and selflessly agree to watch our children. We have been so blessed over and over again. And we know that our boys are in such great care, that it's easier to be away from them when we need to. Tuesday I randomly called some of our friends, a couple who have been a part of our lives for a few years now. I needed someone to watch our boys while Matt and I were at our cell groups and they graciously agreed to take care of them. These friends offered to let me borrow one of their guitars, and when Matt picked up the boys, he brought the guitar back with him. I have attempted to learn guitar on and off now for years, but I have never had my own. So borrowing one is the next best thing!

I often feel unqualified to receive blessings in my life. I tend towards trying to make things happen on my own. So when I see very blatantly that the Lord is blessing me, I have to stop and recognize it, or it will simply slip through my fingers and my heart would remain that much harder. My heart is softening in so many different areas of my life right now, and it's all in response to the goodness...and gentleness of the Lord.

in honor of

My father. Let me talk a little about him. I know every father is not perfect, and in that imperfection there is a multitude of grace, especially when he desires and strives to smooth out the rough spots of his character with the Lord. My dad is such a man. And I look up to him in so many ways.

He speaks in a depth and conviction that often rattled me. When he spoke of what he saw in me, it overwhelmed me. I would almost always cry. He really had a way of reaching through a hard shell I had created, and gently cracking it for me, so that I could see the truth about me, about life, about the Lord. I loved him for showing me the truth. I am so grateful.

He shared his love of music with me. He constantly had a guitar in his hands. Singing classics, singing his favorite worship songs, teaching us hand motions for some of them. He and mom would sing over us every night, songs of promise, songs of protection, songs of praise for the Savior of our souls. Those songs still reverberate in my spirit, and they remind me of the Lord's faithfulness despite what I see about me. I am so grateful.

He had a fire within him. Passion. Purpose. Desire to really know. He read the Word of God every day. He studied it with books that were too heavy for me to carry as a little girl. He craved to have it in him, so that he could share and teach it. He encouraged me to spend time with the Lord daily as well. I remember in Junior High getting up early, walking to the beige rocking chair in our living room, and reading my Study Bible, primarily because my dad challenged me to do it. And soon it became a deep need in my life. I am so grateful.

We share a love of dreams. Early morning meetings in the kitchen before getting ready for school, discussing the dream I had the night before. He took them seriously, most of them. And taught me to ask the Holy Spirit about them too. He still is my favorite person to unravel dreams with.

So many fond memories of him, whether it be snuggling up next to him while he took a nap sprawled out on the brown carpet in our living room, or watching him meticulously draft the next remodel project for our house, and actually doing the work himself, or him coming home and telling us all about the people he met at work and how he shared the love of Jesus with them.

He shared one of the most important days of my life with me, the day I married Matthew. He walked me down the isle, and he offiated and declared us married. It was so appropriate, and I think he loved it too. The most important revelation I have had about my dad following my marriage, is that I still need him. Our relationship is different, but he will never stop being my father.

It is exciting to see him now courageously step into the role of Granddad to my children. The blessing on his life is increasing, as he sees the generations affected by his choices, both past and present. There is still more to come. The journey is not over, there's another bend in the road, and I am so grateful to him, that he continues to stay close to our Father through it all, and he continues to lead "little ones" to Him.

sweet rememberances & stepping forward

Matt took off from work a little early for our anniversary celebration weekend. I dropped off the boys at my parents house, ran down the list of their schedules and likes and dislikes with my dad, and headed back into town to pack the last few things, then to get on the road with Matt to Avila Beach just down the street from us. Things actually got off to a little rocky start, but thankfully we worked through our misunderstandings and decided we were going to have a really amazing weekend. And it turned out to be just that.

Dinner at a quiet little place that we have grown to love.

A walk around the village where we stayed, talking about the last five years. Memories, the good ones and the hard ones.

Realizing that we still have much to learn about each other, which is still exciting.

Enjoying each other's company on a bicycle ride to Port San Luis, reminded me of one of our first dates. We hiked up a ridiculous hill where I was practically panting, pretending I was fine, while he was leaping off of rocks at every turn. This time we were very much more in sync, and we made another memory.

Matt and I talked a lot about love languages again during this weekend. And now my quality-time love tank is very full. It was the best thing we could have done to celebrate the last five years together and to give us a great launching point for the years ahead.

(We forgot our camera for most of the things we did, but we had a camera phone, so here's the only picture from the weekend.)

time

I absolutely love spending time with my boys outside! It reminds me how important time is with them...just playing...laughing...getting creative...pointing out the life around us.

The years seem to be going by so fast, but every day is so important. Someone told me yesterday that they were having a conversation about me with one of the pastors from Columbia. This pastor thought I was "so young...maybe 16 years old?" The food I had in my mouth when I heard that almost went flying across the room. Wow...13 years just got knocked off of me! I was shocked that someone thought I could be that young!

These moments in life are so important! What is time anyway? Experiences, seasons, longing, finding, maturity, birthing, dying. It is all important. And at the end of it all, what really matters? That you found Life in those moments, you found redemption, freedom...you found the ability to trust our Father, who we cannot see, but we can experience every moment of these days, that we become more and more like Him!

And I believe the best days are still ahead!

"But I trust in you, O LORD!

I say, 'You are my God.'

My times are in your hand!"

~Psalm 31:14-15~

first words and sentences

Levi is starting to say words, and I am absolutely giddy over it! I don't know what's come over me, but every time I hear him trying to say a word, I can't get the grin off my face.

Matt and I think his first real word was...wait for it..."brush!" Hilarious! He loves holding my brushes and carrying them around the house. Some of his other ones were, "hot" with the sign, "Hi" while waving, and "MINE!" (Not really saying it, but belting it at Caleb.) He started using this last word, because he hears his brother saying it ALL THE TIME!


Caleb is using full sentences now. And it is also cracking me up. The other day he came over to where I was sitting, he leaned over the arm of the couch, eyebrows furrowed, the corners of his mouth downturned, and said, "So...I'm not feeling so good." There was just a quick second of us looking at each other, then I reached over and started tickling him..."You are so funny, Caleb!" And of course he started laughing too. He is a comedian at 2-and-a-half years old.


I'm loving this season in our lives! It is so good to laugh, even in the midst of some hard circumstances right now. Laughter is truly the best medicine!

the breaking

I saw a sight the other day while driving, that totally made me smile. It was just a quick glance into the field at my right. I saw about a dozen horses in a pasture, and about six foals. What made me smile, was the foals...they were actually rolling over and over on their backs, kicking their legs in the air, and tossing their heads back and forth.

Totally free.

Totally oblivious to what was going on around them.

It seemed to me in that split second as I glanced their way, that the freedom they felt came from the security they knew which was right above them.

I took it to heart. The Lord has been asking me to not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...which goes against the desires of every fiber in my being. I want to control everything around me...but simply put, I cannot. The world around me, my circumstances, seems to be helping to break my control issues. The things I've felt security in, finances, relationships, ministry...(did I mention finances?) have been crumbling before my eyes.

This is the breaking...this is the surrender...these are the falling-into-true-security moments.

Tears...

heartache...

but ultimately hope...such a sweet hope,

a hope that is carrying me to freedom.