coming back to joy

I've realized lately, that I focus a lot on the hard things of life when I write in this blog. I just watched "Julia & Julie", which by the way Matt and I laughed almost all the way through. Not because it's really funny, but because it's so true to real life. And in the movie, Julie started writing a blog. I realized along with the main character that blogging can tempt us to focus so much on ourselves and our struggles and triumphs that we can wake up one day to the harsh realization that...what?...I'm not the center of the universe??? It is very tempting to go there in this little world I've created online!

So I'm in search of something to really celebrate in life through blogging. And one of those things is obviously raising these wonderful children in my life. Sometimes I get carried away with how much I just want to snuggle them and say over and over "I just love you!" In light of this I thought I would add a video of one such moments caught on video...this is rare footage, folks!

Here's to the joy in life!


AND...today is Caleb's 3rd birthday! It has gone by so fast. It's hard to remember just having him to ourselves before Levi was born. He has grown up to be such a passionate, sensitive, and lively 3 year old...and we wouldn't have it any other way. He fills our home with joy and a zest for life and love. Happy birthday Caleb!

Early morning IHOP breakfast this morning. He's learning how to hold his fingers when he says, "3!"

I had to include these pictures from the SLO Children's Museum. He spent so much time on that firetruck and he loved dressing up!

help

I haven't written in what seems like a very long time. That is not to say that nothing worthy of writing about has happened. Enough stuff has happened in the last month to make my insides feel like they are escaping any which way they can, and thus my center is off balance. But what can I write about it? That is where I have come to an abrubt stop in the writers' flow, and have officially reached...the block!

I could easily write about the Lord's faithfulness to me, as I have experienced first hand what it means to find a refuge in Him, but that seems like not enough, that does not do justice to what I've been experiencing.

This morning as I was literally crying to the Lord, I felt Him picking me up, broken as I was, and He said to me, "Let me carry that burden for you. It's too heavy for you anyways." So again, I'm learning what it means to

just

let

go...


I have had so many night dreams lately. This is another way the Lord is using to speak deeply into my life. Things that I don't know, things that I can't see, things that I need to know in order to keep moving forward. And it is reminding me again, that I'm not in control. I have Someone who is my great help, when I feel completely stuck, and I don't know which way to go, He is my help.

"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains, from where does my help come from...my help comes from the Lord" This Psalm (121) keeps coming to mind over and over and over again. I have help! I'm not the end all. Praise the Lord!

Bass Lake Pics

Okay so I only took 5 pictures while at Bass Lake and I'm really hoping I can steal some from my family! It was such a great time away, and the weather was perfect. The boys were so excited to be there, and to have the freedom to roam in new territory. They definitely kept Matt and I on our toes, but we were so very grateful when my parents or an aunt or uncle kept an eye on them while we had fun on the waverunners!

My Grandparents, who are in their 80's now, had a great time as well on the water. It was so fun to see them out there.

The boys were so tired when we left they were out by the first 10 minutes.

Mah-nee and four-oh-nine

I really wonder sometimes where my boys get some of the things that come out of their mouths...and not in a bad way.

For about a year now, Caleb will randomly call something a four-oh-nine. Typically it has to do with something in paper form, like a receipt or a business card. We ask him what he has in his hands and he says, "Oh, this is 409," while shrugging his shoulders and putting a little downward curl to his lips. We really have no idea where he got that from...no idea!

Lately when I call out Caleb's name from the other room, asking him to come here, Levi repeats after me, "MAH-NEE!" So how did he get Mah-nee from Caleb??? They don't even sound alike at all! But that's what he calls Caleb. It's pretty funny!

Sometimes it's just the way something is interpreted in their heads...I guess.

(Thanks Jen Dean for some of these pictures! :))

gone...really gone!

I sat there, by his bed, for probably about half an hour, before I realized he was gone. His little body was there, but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't wake him up and he wasn't going to come back to us. I prayed several times in those few days after he had gone, specifically for Jesus to "raise him from the dead." Just as I had read about and my parents had told me about; Jesus coming back to life after he had died. But for one reason or another, Jesus didn't do it this time.

My response was shock. He is God of the universe, and he wouldn't do this miracle for my brother? I was confused, let down, and then I could feel doubt creep into my ten-year-old little heart. I believed steadfastly that God was real, but I just didn't know about the part in the Bible where he said he heals us.

This crazy wrestling in my heart over the last year or so, has been centered around the concept of God-who-heals. I believe he does, as I see it in 3rd world countries and randomly friends of mine have had amazing testimonies of how God healed them. But something in my heart just couldn't go there, but desperately wanted to believe. My heart kept going back to that moment by his bed, where I had unbelievable faith for a miracle that didn't happen. In wrestling with doubt and faith, doubt frequently won me over since then, just because it was easier.

These last few weeks something has definitely been broken. And it is easier to have faith than it is to doubt. God has won me over. And it started with a headache.

I was in bed one morning and the boys were running around, Matt was getting ready for work, and I had a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I made that very clear to everyone. Matt said to Caleb, "Let's pray for Mommy." Caleb and Matt walked over to me, I was a bit reluctant because I really did enjoy laying in bed at that moment. But as they put their hands on my head, I felt the faintest sliver of tiny faith in me come to the forefront of my mind. I could see that Jesus was able, and I wanted him to do it. Then...the pain was just...GONE! Gone gone gone, no more, nothing there, not even a little bit. I jumped out of bed, literally...ecstatic..."it's gone!"

Now I know that the distinction between knowing God CAN heal, and experiencing that He is WILLING to heal ME, is huge! He did it for ME. And He has done it two more times since that incident. Every time, I feel no faith and then there it comes, that faintest sliver of tiny faith coming to the forefront of my mind, and then the headache is gone. This last time it was a migraine so bad that I just wanted to leave the meeting I was in and just go lay down in my van. Then Jesus comes into the scene and brings complete salvation healing. To my spirit He brings faith, to my body he brings healing.

And the doubt is gone...really gone. I have wanted to believe, really believe. And now we're going into deeper waters, and the Holy Spirit is bringing life where there was death, faith where I was dried up with doubt, and joy where there was complete sadness and heaviness of heart. He is saving me again...again and again. And I am experiencing a freedom to trust the savior of the world, and the redeemer of my life.

just another picture or two

We had a great time at Avila Valley Barn on Saturday! We met some friends there, and the boys had a blast as always. This picture is so incredibly sweet! I got a little teared up when I saw it. I just love that our friend captured a fun moment. (Thanks, Ron!)

Some Avila Beach Fun

boys and a girl

We had a great time taking care of one of my friend's little girl. She is super sweet, and for the most part they all got along really well. But there were times where Caleb was a little too rough, and times where I seemed a little nervous, not really knowing how to interact with her. I think I'm overexaggerating but, it was slightly different with a little girl around here! I did like trying to put her hair in a pony tail...there's a first time for everything!

musical sounds (pt 2)

So here's another video about how much we love to sing in our house. This one was taken a while ago, and I finally made my way into some video in our house. It's definitely a rarety for us.


This is a song that I grew up singing with my family, and one where my dad made up motions so that it would stick in our heads forever...and it has!

Here's the lyrics:
Jesus be a fence all around me everyday
Jesus to protect me as I travel along the way
I know you can, I know you will
You fight my battles if I just be still
Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday

musical sounds

I thought I would share some videos showing how much we love music in our house. I haven't been able to upload these yet...so some of them are old and some are new.

This first one shows Caleb spontaneously singing the first song he's sung with all the words. As you will see, there aren't that many, but Mama is still really impressed!

Matt is a hidden talent as far as music goes. He's quite versatile on the instruments! As you can see:

(I'll upload more video later...)

the diamond

"Have a vision

that pulls you through

the pain of

transformation."

fear not!

I love little reminders we often get from our children! Caleb woke up early again this morning at 5:30am and came into our room asking for his "paci". After I couldn't find it in his room, and in the process woke up Levi, put Levi back to sleep, then had to break the news to a-very-attached-to-his-paci Caleb...we all tried to go back to sleep. After half hour of trying to do that, Caleb got out of bed, said he wanted to play Legos in the living room, I told them where they were and he went to it.


When I finally climbed out of bed, and made it to the living room one of the first things he said was, "look, an angel". After I acknowledged surprisingly that it indeed looked like an angel, he followed with, "Fear not!" Even though he might not be aware of what that means, it really encouraged me this morning. And I love that Caleb is getting so creative with building Legos! He's truly his father's son.

"From the mouths of little children and infants,

you have built a fortress against your opponents to silence the enemy and the avenger."

~Psalm 8:2~

gently

Tuesday I was surprised by little things throughout the day that reminded me of the goodness of the Lord. His goodness is here, not because of anything I do or don't do, He is just good. And there are moments when I choose to remember it, or I stop to see it and I respond with thankfulness.

Tuesday I was on my way to a playgroup, I had to stop at the store to get a snack. When I was walking out the door, a woman stopped me with these words, "would you like some free roses?" Of course! I turned around and put out my arms to receive two dozen beautiful deep red roses. They were so beautiful. She said they had bloomed to much to sell. I walked out with Levi, grocery bag, roses, and Caleb somewhere in front of me. It was a moment where I remembered the Lord's love and blessing on me. He really does love me!

We have some amazing friends in our lives who willingly and selflessly agree to watch our children. We have been so blessed over and over again. And we know that our boys are in such great care, that it's easier to be away from them when we need to. Tuesday I randomly called some of our friends, a couple who have been a part of our lives for a few years now. I needed someone to watch our boys while Matt and I were at our cell groups and they graciously agreed to take care of them. These friends offered to let me borrow one of their guitars, and when Matt picked up the boys, he brought the guitar back with him. I have attempted to learn guitar on and off now for years, but I have never had my own. So borrowing one is the next best thing!

I often feel unqualified to receive blessings in my life. I tend towards trying to make things happen on my own. So when I see very blatantly that the Lord is blessing me, I have to stop and recognize it, or it will simply slip through my fingers and my heart would remain that much harder. My heart is softening in so many different areas of my life right now, and it's all in response to the goodness...and gentleness of the Lord.

in honor of

My father. Let me talk a little about him. I know every father is not perfect, and in that imperfection there is a multitude of grace, especially when he desires and strives to smooth out the rough spots of his character with the Lord. My dad is such a man. And I look up to him in so many ways.

He speaks in a depth and conviction that often rattled me. When he spoke of what he saw in me, it overwhelmed me. I would almost always cry. He really had a way of reaching through a hard shell I had created, and gently cracking it for me, so that I could see the truth about me, about life, about the Lord. I loved him for showing me the truth. I am so grateful.

He shared his love of music with me. He constantly had a guitar in his hands. Singing classics, singing his favorite worship songs, teaching us hand motions for some of them. He and mom would sing over us every night, songs of promise, songs of protection, songs of praise for the Savior of our souls. Those songs still reverberate in my spirit, and they remind me of the Lord's faithfulness despite what I see about me. I am so grateful.

He had a fire within him. Passion. Purpose. Desire to really know. He read the Word of God every day. He studied it with books that were too heavy for me to carry as a little girl. He craved to have it in him, so that he could share and teach it. He encouraged me to spend time with the Lord daily as well. I remember in Junior High getting up early, walking to the beige rocking chair in our living room, and reading my Study Bible, primarily because my dad challenged me to do it. And soon it became a deep need in my life. I am so grateful.

We share a love of dreams. Early morning meetings in the kitchen before getting ready for school, discussing the dream I had the night before. He took them seriously, most of them. And taught me to ask the Holy Spirit about them too. He still is my favorite person to unravel dreams with.

So many fond memories of him, whether it be snuggling up next to him while he took a nap sprawled out on the brown carpet in our living room, or watching him meticulously draft the next remodel project for our house, and actually doing the work himself, or him coming home and telling us all about the people he met at work and how he shared the love of Jesus with them.

He shared one of the most important days of my life with me, the day I married Matthew. He walked me down the isle, and he offiated and declared us married. It was so appropriate, and I think he loved it too. The most important revelation I have had about my dad following my marriage, is that I still need him. Our relationship is different, but he will never stop being my father.

It is exciting to see him now courageously step into the role of Granddad to my children. The blessing on his life is increasing, as he sees the generations affected by his choices, both past and present. There is still more to come. The journey is not over, there's another bend in the road, and I am so grateful to him, that he continues to stay close to our Father through it all, and he continues to lead "little ones" to Him.

sweet rememberances & stepping forward

Matt took off from work a little early for our anniversary celebration weekend. I dropped off the boys at my parents house, ran down the list of their schedules and likes and dislikes with my dad, and headed back into town to pack the last few things, then to get on the road with Matt to Avila Beach just down the street from us. Things actually got off to a little rocky start, but thankfully we worked through our misunderstandings and decided we were going to have a really amazing weekend. And it turned out to be just that.

Dinner at a quiet little place that we have grown to love.

A walk around the village where we stayed, talking about the last five years. Memories, the good ones and the hard ones.

Realizing that we still have much to learn about each other, which is still exciting.

Enjoying each other's company on a bicycle ride to Port San Luis, reminded me of one of our first dates. We hiked up a ridiculous hill where I was practically panting, pretending I was fine, while he was leaping off of rocks at every turn. This time we were very much more in sync, and we made another memory.

Matt and I talked a lot about love languages again during this weekend. And now my quality-time love tank is very full. It was the best thing we could have done to celebrate the last five years together and to give us a great launching point for the years ahead.

(We forgot our camera for most of the things we did, but we had a camera phone, so here's the only picture from the weekend.)

time

I absolutely love spending time with my boys outside! It reminds me how important time is with them...just playing...laughing...getting creative...pointing out the life around us.

The years seem to be going by so fast, but every day is so important. Someone told me yesterday that they were having a conversation about me with one of the pastors from Columbia. This pastor thought I was "so young...maybe 16 years old?" The food I had in my mouth when I heard that almost went flying across the room. Wow...13 years just got knocked off of me! I was shocked that someone thought I could be that young!

These moments in life are so important! What is time anyway? Experiences, seasons, longing, finding, maturity, birthing, dying. It is all important. And at the end of it all, what really matters? That you found Life in those moments, you found redemption, freedom...you found the ability to trust our Father, who we cannot see, but we can experience every moment of these days, that we become more and more like Him!

And I believe the best days are still ahead!

"But I trust in you, O LORD!

I say, 'You are my God.'

My times are in your hand!"

~Psalm 31:14-15~

first words and sentences

Levi is starting to say words, and I am absolutely giddy over it! I don't know what's come over me, but every time I hear him trying to say a word, I can't get the grin off my face.

Matt and I think his first real word was...wait for it..."brush!" Hilarious! He loves holding my brushes and carrying them around the house. Some of his other ones were, "hot" with the sign, "Hi" while waving, and "MINE!" (Not really saying it, but belting it at Caleb.) He started using this last word, because he hears his brother saying it ALL THE TIME!


Caleb is using full sentences now. And it is also cracking me up. The other day he came over to where I was sitting, he leaned over the arm of the couch, eyebrows furrowed, the corners of his mouth downturned, and said, "So...I'm not feeling so good." There was just a quick second of us looking at each other, then I reached over and started tickling him..."You are so funny, Caleb!" And of course he started laughing too. He is a comedian at 2-and-a-half years old.


I'm loving this season in our lives! It is so good to laugh, even in the midst of some hard circumstances right now. Laughter is truly the best medicine!

the breaking

I saw a sight the other day while driving, that totally made me smile. It was just a quick glance into the field at my right. I saw about a dozen horses in a pasture, and about six foals. What made me smile, was the foals...they were actually rolling over and over on their backs, kicking their legs in the air, and tossing their heads back and forth.

Totally free.

Totally oblivious to what was going on around them.

It seemed to me in that split second as I glanced their way, that the freedom they felt came from the security they knew which was right above them.

I took it to heart. The Lord has been asking me to not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...which goes against the desires of every fiber in my being. I want to control everything around me...but simply put, I cannot. The world around me, my circumstances, seems to be helping to break my control issues. The things I've felt security in, finances, relationships, ministry...(did I mention finances?) have been crumbling before my eyes.

This is the breaking...this is the surrender...these are the falling-into-true-security moments.

Tears...

heartache...

but ultimately hope...such a sweet hope,

a hope that is carrying me to freedom.

mothers' day gift

We had a fun time with my extended immediate family getting together to take pictures...for my mom's Mother Day! The Whittingtons were here visiting for 3 weeks; the boys had so much fun playing together...it was crazy to see my little nephew almost walking! So fun! And yes, I miss them already.

I'll post more pics as they become available. But I couldn't resist sharing what a beautiful family I have!

partner in dreaming

My husband is an incredibly hard worker. He knows that he is responisble for providing and protecting his growing family, and I sometimes just have to stand back, take in the bigger picture of life right now, humble myself, and be grateful. I have a man who does not back down from the challenges in the midst of our lives. He seeks guidance when needed, and he recognizes the One who can change our hearts. I admire him so much, and I am thankful that he has a vision for our future.

I can get all fired up about what's not happening in our lives, I can listen to others' success stories and get caught up in the comparison game...easily. But then, this last conversation I had about it with Matt, really made me appreciate him all the more. He listens to the Holy Spirit, and He knew what to say to me, in kindness, to help me see that there are still dreams to be drempt, still roads to forge, still life ahead of us. I can't stop just because of a few hiccups right now.

DREAM GIRL! Dream about what you want to see happen and how you want to get there. The Holy Spirit is wanting to lead me forward even though I look at myself and say, "I have nothing left to give." He is my strength, and my inspiration. And I will listen to Him.

the cupcake

Levi fell asleep at his party, before he could enjoy his birthday cupcake. After all the guests were gone, Levi woke up and loved the cake!

I love how Caleb sings with us in this video. He loves singing...all the time! Our camera ran out of memory right after Levi took his first bite. I'm glad we caught it...it's a classic Levi move.

(The mess in our living room, is the remnants of the kids and the gifts at the party. Our house doesn't always look this messy!)

ebony and ivory

I keep remembering this about Matt and I, for some reason, so I thought I would share it. When we were dating, and becoming more serious in our relationship, Matt would often put our hands together, side by side, and start singing, "Ebony and Ivory."

Growing up, I never liked the fact that I am so white.. White legs mean no shorts (in my opinion), and I was really self-conscious about not wearing shorts...ever! Double whammy! And it was a big deal when I bought shorts to wear for our honeymoon, in Cancun...hello? Who wouldn't wear shorts in Cancun...on your honeymoon? (Probably only me if my friends and family didn't coerce me!)

So Matt has always loved the fact that our skin is such a contrast. He tans REALLY easily and works outside, so he is almost always really dark. He was really dark when we got married, because every day he was in the Sun. Thus, he sang that song all the time. Looking at pictures of us during that time, that song always pops in my head. I don't think I know the rest of the words even, just "Ebony and Ivory!" (I found an old school youtube of the song, find it below.)

I am now comfortable with my skin, and I like it! (Although you probably won't see me wearing shorts still.)

Levi's party

We are having a bunch of people over tomorrow afternoon for Levi's birthday party! (If you haven't heard, you're invited too!) When I say a bunch, I mean around 60 PEOPLE!!! I just checked the list last night, and was shocked that all the numbers added up to that!

We love people! We love celebrating! We love to have an excuse to get people around us to celebrate...something, anything! It's going to be great to get people together again, to celebrate the first year of Levi's life. We are also planning on dedicating him to the Lord tomorrow, with our parents there to give a blessing, speaking words of life and hope over him. It was an amazing time when Caleb turned one, and it will be a tradition we'll carry on with all of our kids!

The scripture the Lord gave us for Levi Joshua Ens:

True instruction was
in Levi’s mouth and
nothing false was found on his lips.
He walked with Me in peace
and uprightness,
and turned many from sin.

~Malachi 2:6~

One year ago...

Levi will turn One-Year-Young tomorrow!!! Of course, I've been thinking about the events that led up to his birth last year, and as I do, I remember my mom reminding me of the day of my birth. "It was a Monday morning, we were only at the hospital for a few hours and pop, out you came around 11am." It always sounded to me so gentle and fast. Ha! I have come to understand a fast delivery does not mean painless!!!

Levi just did not seem to want to come out when his due date came and went. Granted, it was only 5 days after his due date that we decided to induce labor. Some women wait at least 2 weeks! I am so grateful to the Lord that I felt peace to go the hospital when we did. With that big of a baby, I don't know what it would have looked like if we had waited for him to come out on his own.

On April 3rd, his due date, I had scheduled to be induced at 7:30am. When that time came, I had no peace, was sobbing the night before, not sure what to do. I really wanted a natural delivery, and I wanted the Lord's timing for it all. So when 7 am came, I had to call and let them know I would not be coming in. Levi was going to stay inside for a few more days.

So I felt the Lord's peace to schedule to go in on April 8th. My doctor set that day, and I was sure I was going to have him before then. But nope, Levi just wasn't ready.

It amazes me how you can tell children's temperaments even when they're inside! Matt and I could tell even by 20 weeks pregnant, watching him on the little ultrasound screen that he had a pensive, more mellow personality. And yes, he has definitely shown that to be true in his first year of life!

So unlike some stories I've heard of women barely making it to the hospital before their baby pops out, Matt and I walked in, very calm, focused, trying to make each other laugh at the craziness of it all. In a few hours we would be holding our second little boy...wonder what he will look like...wonder what this labor will be like...

I can gratefully say, I have a great partner for such an intense feat! Matt was amazing. We were able to pray and use scripture through the delivery, and I really felt the Holy Spirit's presence through it all. It was healing for me after a delivery like Caleb's, (another story for another time).

After 4 1/2 hours Levi's shoulder was stuck, and we needed more nurses to help get him out! I heard a lot of them exclaim, "he's so big...let me guess how much he weighs...he's got to be 11 pounds!" And when they had put him on the scale, I had to do a double and triple take at the numbers it was displaying. This could not be true!!! Sure enough our little Levi was 2 oz shy of 11 pounds! It was by the grace of God that he came out all natural!

I'm so grateful for the blessing of our second son! Matt says he's beginning to think Levi is closer to my temperament, and Caleb to Matt's. That does make sense to me. I'm sure we will be seeing their personalities and temperaments develop over the next several years, but it is certainly fun to see glimpses while they are still so little.

Our little family is complete...at least for the next year or so...we'll see!

Levi's got lungs!

Levi has quite a loud voice! And he uses it frequently, especially when there's music playing or he's trying to get someone's attention. It's very humorous to us. We went to Madonna Inn randomly the other night just to get out of the house, and try something new with the boys. We sat down in the Copper Cafe and ordered a banana split, which ended up being mostly whipped cream. But while we waited, we ran out of things to distract the boys with, so Levi ended up slapping the table with both hands while saying, "AHHHHHH" very loudly! The people at the table next to us were very gracious and simply laughed with a few eye rolls from the teenager. The mom said, "it goes by so fast, isn't he cute!"

This is a video showing Levi's loud voice. He is wearing hand-me-downs from Caleb that say, "Judah is my middle name." Levi's middle name is actually Joshua. Maybe Matt can work his magic again with the permanent marker to make the shirt accurate. Or maybe we'll just leave it how it is. I don't think it will scar Levi for life if he wears a shirt that doesn't appropriately represent his real name.

the urge

I had an unusual urge yesterday, and I dived right into the waters of silliness. I haven't had that urge in some time and it felt so good.

I was feeling a little heavy hearted, a little overwhelmed with life, a little like some grey cloud had decided to park itself right over my head...and I hated it! But I knew that it wasn't caused by circumstances, it was something that my heart had decided to believe, some thought like, "will this ever change in my life?" And I had given into the response that it wouldn't...ever...change!

Levi had fallen asleep for another nap in the afternoon, Caleb was antsy, so we went outside. He trotted over around the house to the back, where Daddy's wood pile faithfully stood. Caleb started walking across the beams on the ground, the wind furiously moving across the fields. It caught up my neatly done hair, and then it caught my breath, and stole the song that was just on my lips. And I started singing...really singing, grateful that Caleb was the only one who could hear me. And then, my arms wanted up. And I felt like a child, I felt silly. I twirled with my head back, and my song rising, singing to the God who created this silliness in me, "All I need is You! All I need is You LORD, is You!"

It had been far too long. And the greatest part about it, was Caleb joined in the song and dance too, and the burden on my heart lifted.