our love story (part 1)

When I remember meeting Matt, I remember I saw something in his eyes that seemed familiar to me. I really wanted to have a conversation with him...but that was harder to do than I anticipated. We were on the same Mission Leadership team through our church, and still it was hard to talk to him as he seemed to quickly excuse himself from any attempt I made.

So I mentioned to one of my friends, who happen to be married to one of Matt's best friends, that I was interested in getting to know Matt. She was ecstatic and from then on she and her husband were helping us behind the scenes, to have the opportunity to talk. After one of our Mission meetings, they worked it out that we would both ride with them to lunch. I remember talking to him about my major in college, which we seemed right away to have a little different opinion on; but I was not deterred from my quest and challenge to open this guy up. Or so I thought.

I started to pray that the Lord would have mercy on me and just give Matt a little nudge in my direction. Well that prayer lasted about eight months and still, nothing worthy of note happened. I talked to the same friend again after eight months of praying, and she encouraged me to simply change the way I was praying. She suggested that I pray he would have the courage to ask a girl out on a date, since he was really nervous to do so. So for three days, I remember praying that way, and I felt my heart shift from being me focused, to being him focused.

Sunday, March 9, 2003 was an amazing day. I arrived at church, and a little 3 year old boy, with whom I hadn't really had interaction, ran up to me and grabbed a hold of my legs and wouldn't let go. I looked at his mom, and said, "Does he know who I am?" She said he did, and that maybe it was the Lord's way of telling me that He really loves me. Sweet! The service, I remember, was really powerful for me, and again, the Lord was simply reaffirming how much He loved me. A girl came up to me and said she felt like the Lord wanted me to know that God couldn't keep his eyes off of me. This really hit me deep in my soul, just like rivers of living water refreshing me. I went to a bridal shower that day after church, and when I was leaving with one of my friends, I saw I had a voice message. I couldn't stop my excitement when I heard Matt's voice asking if I wanted to go get some coffee sometime. Me? Matt? What??? Again, the Lord was reaffirming how much he knew me and the desires of my heart.

Fast forward 11 months...I had recorded a song I had written for Matt, and I was headed over to his apartment for a Valentine's Day picnic. When he opened the door, I could tell he was acting a little different. Before we left for Montana de Oro, I played him the song I had recorded. He loved it. We headed out to Los Osos and had a wonderful picnic on the cliffs on a perfect beautiful day! We headed back to his truck except when we got there, his truck was no where to be seen. Funny, he wasn't freaking out, but pointed to a familiar looking Suburban...(to be cont'd)

we have another walker, folks!

Levi is now walking...almost consistently! He is going to be 10 months in a week. And it is absolutely precious to watch! It feels new all over again. I see the excitement in his eyes as he is trying out his new discovery. And yes, we applaud him after he collapses on the floor. Levi is ever increasingly a tremendous joy in our lives! And he is now sleeping through the night! It took a few nights of letting him scream (heart renching), and our neighbor and roommate asking if everything is ok at 2am, but we broke through and he is now going back to sleep on his own. All I can say is "Hallelujah!" What a difference a full night's sleep makes.

Caleb is now talking non-stop...I'm not joking! He repeats the same question over and over until someone either answers him or says something in response. And when he's watching one of his cartoons, he says the lines simultaneously with the characters. It's pretty hilarious! I thought we were a long way off from this stage, but here we are. I am even more aware of what we say now. Because we have a parrot in the house.

Here's one of the only video's I've taken that capture more than just Levi taking one step:

haircuts

oh, what love is this?

The events of yesterday have forever changed me.

I had just taken a splinter out of Caleb's finger, and taken off his sweatshirt, as it was becoming a very warm day already at 10:00am. Levi was down for a nap and I went back inside for a few minutes. I could hear Caleb playing on the patio.

I got a phone call at 10:08, it was my doctor's office needing to reschedule my appointment. Fine. Then I realized I hadn't heard Caleb in a few minutes. So as I hung up the phone, got my shoes on, and went straight to the back of the house where all of Daddy's cool wood was. This is where I usually find Caleb venturing out to...but this time he wasn't there.

As our house sits on about 20 acres of farmland, it is usually easy to spot his little head and body bobbing up and down the fields, but this time I didn't see him, anywhere! I circled the house one more time, then I saw Matt's truck pulling up to the workshop. I quickly stopped him and told him I couldn't find Caleb. He asked me a couple questions then headed out to look. Panic was setting in my heart. This had never happened before.

Matt started calling people to pray, he even stopped a car driving down our street to ask if she had seen a little boy. She offered her help us look. Matt asked me to wake up our roommate, Brittany, to help look. By that time I could not stop the tears of fear from racing down my face. I wasn't thinking about asking people to help, all my thoughts were focused on finding Caleb.

We went down by the creek bank, and the street, thinking he might have gone exploring, but no sign of him. Matt kept yelling to me. "Pray, Anne, keep praying." It was then that I realized I needed to really trust my Father with this situation. It was not helping me to go through scenarios in my mind of what could have happened to him. So there I was walking down by the creek with this lady who had offered to help us, and I was telling God out loud, "I trust you, I trust you, I trust you. Show me where to look." I was all out of ideas, but my heart was turning from hysterical fear to simple trust.

Then at 10:30 I got the phone call I was desperately hoping for. "I found him!" Matt had found him. He was up on the hill at our neighbor's house playing with the pile of rocks and dirt. He had somehow gone under the barb wire fence that separates our lot from our neighbor's, and walked up to their house, which was about a quarter mile hike.

He was safe. All of the fear and horrible thoughts of what could have happened to him vanished. None of them had happened.

This experience has changed me. And I realized the kind of love that God has given me for my son. It is unlike anything I have ever known before. I felt terror, rage, desperation over his well being. He was mine, and for twenty minutes he was not in my care.

I also realized how quickly I let fear sink into my heart and unravel me. I am determined to not let fear rule my life, because if I am a child of God, then I can trust my Father to hear me when I pray. I am so grateful to the Lord's protection on my family's life. And I trust in Him!

the new "do"

So, I got my hair cut about a month ago now, and I seriously can't believe what a difference it made! People are still commenting on how good it looks! So my question is, why didn't I do this sooner? And yes, the question pops in my head, did I look bad before?

I guess the truth is that this current hair style just makes my face more noticable, or something. It's pretty hilarious to me though! It's like I went through a makeover on Oprah, where you see the before pictures, and then when the woman walks out with the new do, everyone screams, and claps enthusiastically.

I simply needed a change, or maybe not so simply. I've been feeling something within me take a shift, actually after Christmas. It's like my spirit just said, "ok it's time to grow up." So I've taken that challenge coming from within me, and I've run with it. I no longer have an excuse for not doing something that I know I need to do. I can no longer hide behind the fact that I have a baby who needs me. I just need to grow up, take responsibility for my life and my family's life, and realize that no one else can do what I need to do.

Vague...I know. But just trust me that 2009 is a new season for me. I'm letting go of my former limitations and excuses and I'm grabbing ahold of the Lord's purpose and promise for my life. And do you know what? It feels absolutely right!

goodbye

There have been several times in my life that I have had to say goodbye to my sister. And they all have felt like they are the hardest one at the time. Growing up with my older sister (by 15 months) being my best friend, going before me in almost everything, was truly a great joy for me. I do admit high school was a challenge for us, but we got through it as friends.

The first time I had to say goodbye was when she went on a mission trip to Zimbabwe when I was 14. I had never been that far away from her for that long, and I loved hearing her stories when she came back, and I felt that I lived them myself in my imagination.

Then she moved away to college and I thought my world was going to fall apart. We dropped her off in Pasadena, and then... we just drove away. It took my parents talking me through it, to actually dip into the reservoir of my emotions on the issue, and yes, I cried a lot of the 4 hours home.

Another time was when she married her husband Daniel. On the beach of Hawaii, I realized life with my sister would never be the same. It was a grieving but also a tremendous joy to see her unite with the man who cared deeply for her, and who I knew would never give up on her.

There have been multiple times when the relationship I cherished with my sister simply changed in one moment. And I had to ask myself multiple times if my heart could accept the change and rise up to another level in relationship. Just as the Lord asks me to no longer live in the past; past joys and past sorrows, but to arise to the newness of this day with Him. It's an adventure, and I don't always throw everything I have to embrace the journey.


Now I say goodbye again to my sister and also on some dreams I have had of her and I raising our children side by side together. Halle, Daniel and Jackson are moving to Texas, half way across the country. I have been challenged to accept this change, to accept the fact that I'm gonna have to put more effort into building upon our relationship. But through all the emotions I know that every effort is going to be worth it. I can't imagine living life without my sister close by, but I do bless them in this new season in their lives. This is a new adventure for all of my family, and a time to not only say goodbye, but to open the door to a new hope in the midst of the change.

Halle, I love you...

things that make me smile

Caleb and I went on a walk to get our mail today. On the way back, we stopped by a tree, he pointed up and said, "bird". "Where's the bird?" I told him we have to look for them. I then pointed up to the top of the tree and we watched the birds fly from branch to branch for a few minutes. Caleb then said, "I yike birds." I agreed, then he said, "Mommy, touch it?" "Oh no we can't touch the birds, they're too high." He responded a few seconds later with, "get yadder."

His promises

I'm officially a real woman now...I have a jewelry box! Matt bought it for me for my 29th birthday yesterday. I can't believe it took me this long to be able to put all my jewelry in one place that does not create a tangled mess. Really, I'm not kidding! Only Matt could have endured the chaos this long. He actually got to the point where he was throwing away any bobby pin he found lying around, and I actually had to pull the last two I had out of the trash can. He knew the right gift to give me, and I absolutely love it!

Birthdays have always been times of reflection for me, a time when I can assess the important things in my life, where I have been and where I am going. I love hearing from the Lord on my birthday. As I open the door on this day each year, I walk into a new calendar year as well, and a new vision and hope for that year. This year I felt the Lord bring to mind the scripture, "You will go out with joy and be led forth in peace." Not knowing where that passage was, I looked it up and discovered it was Isaiah 55:12. I read on to verse 13 and felt the presence of the Lord speaking His promise over me again for the new year.
"Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

The year 2008 has held tremendous joy through the birth of my sister's son, Jackson, and then my second son, Levi, as well as the adoption of my nephew, Timothy. But it has also held great challenges and heart ache. I have felt the Lord maturing my character and my heart this past year. The Lord's promises still stand even through those challenges.

About a week ago, I was driving home from a meeting and I was listening to a song about the Lord making all things new. And before I knew what was happening in my heart, I began to cry. And I kept crying even after I had parked at our house. There I was, sitting there, engine off, in the darkness, head in my hands, realizing how much I was holding inside. And it was amazing to believe that the Lord does make all things new, in one moment. I felt his promise wash over me, and a hope rise up in my heart. A tiny flickering flame growing in intensity within me. I believe! I believe the thornbush will be replaced by a thriving, strong, and established tree, swaying beautifully in the wind of faith.

This is a new year! And I walk into it with fullness of faith in a God who can turn sorrow into great joy, and anxiety into a peace that surpasses my own understanding.

from the lips of babes

Today Caleb started singing a song that I haven't sung with him, and it took me a while to figure out what it was. He was singing "Jesus, my friend, Jesus, my friend, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!" I just looked it up on google and since I figured he learned it from Kid's World at our church I also punched in "Hillsong Kids." As soon as I started playing this song on YouTube I heard Caleb jumping in the living room. I can't tell you how much joy this brought to my heart to hear him jumping and singing along with this song. He grabbed Levi's hand as he often does and started "dancing" with him.

Here's the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwyd6u4mJ94

a grateful heart

I am so thankful for my amazing family! My own little family, and the extended family as well! I take them for granted so often, until I hear about people's stories of estranged family members and those relationships that cause serious pain within a family. I am grateful for the working out of our many relationships so that it is a joy to be together! And although we don't always agree on everything, there is an underlying understanding of a deep love and appreciation of each other.

Levi finds his way underneath the coffee table...all smiles.

My cousin Rebecka had 3 days with her family, and went back to her duty in the Navy.

I hadn't seen her in over 3 years!

Matt and Caleb read one of Uncle Greg's kids books.

Levi and his Great Grandpa Trine

Jackson shares his pacifier with Levi. They are really good at sharing!

my articulate husband

So I have realized over and over again, just how articulate Matt can be. He really amazes me when he starts talking about something that we have both witnessed or have been a part of, and he describes it with such clarity. It really amazes me! And I am so grateful for it, because so often i feel that what I want to say is so wrapped up inside of me, that I would speak as if looking through a microscope instead of looking out across the grand canyon. I suffer sometimes from speaking from the wrong perspective.

So tonight, as we drove during our date night, he spoke about a situation with such clarity and ended up saying, "sometimes we get so comfortable with someone that we forget to be kind." I kind of tuned out at that point and thought.

I thought about all the people that I have been unkind to as of late. I have become so used to others' presence in my life, that I stop extending the grace and the respect they deserve as a human being, as a child of God. Kindness...

My dad officiated at our wedding, and one of the things I will never forget that he said in encouragement for the journey ahead of us was, "just be kind to one another." You can never be too kind. Thinking of the other person with respect and dignity, not brushing them off with a quick "yeah" or "no!"

I'm reminded of a verse that always brings me hope, "The Lord's kindness leads us to repentance." The Lord is not too comfortable with me that he has given up on me. He still has hope for me even when I have given up on myself. When I think of kindness, I think of eye contact. When I have become too comfortable with someone, I give up eye contact with them. Interesting. The Lord still remains hopeful that I will return his kind look towards me.

So I am going to be more conscious of how kind I am to those who are closest to me. So if I'm looking you in the eye more...you'll know why.

simple update

I can't believe how quickly Levi is growing up! He is now crawling on all fours, pulling himself up on furniture. He loves singing the "Ba" sound, with much gusto! I think he's gonna be a singer just like Mommy, belting it out with all he has. We went to a specialist about his bump above his eye, and the short of it is that we need to get it removed. Either here when he's a year old, or down south at UCLA any time before he's a year (due to anesthesiologists regulations). Again, we are praying it goes away, but if it doesn't, the doctor said it will probably grow as he grows. He doesn't think it's a cyst, but he wants to know what it is. So there's the update on Levi's bump.

Caleb is becoming the big brother/teacher that we knew would come one day. A couple days ago, I heard Caleb in his car seat say, "You see cow, baby? Yes?" He looked at Levi, then pointed out the window. They both sleep in the same room now, and Caleb loves it! He loves taking care of Levi, most of the time. Sometimes we are still trying to get him to stop sitting on Levi. But as brothers, we know this will probably continue.

I went to my 10 year reunion on Saturday night. Wow! It was so amazing to see all the people that I hadn't seen in a decade! I talked to some of my old close friends, and I talked to some who I probably never talked to before in school. It's funny how time has a way of leveling the fields. It was really fun, and really challenging at the same time. Matt met a lot of people and he did great! We had to leave right when it was just getting started due to the babysitter, but it was really worth it I thought.

look alikes? (pt 4)

Caleb and I when he was 6 months!

Levi and I a few days ago; he is 6 months old. (I had to fix this picture because it was so dark!)

Levi's friend

Levi and Elliot Swanson enjoy their first swing time together. She's 2 weeks older and 3 pounds lighter. But I guess that's to be expected since Levi was such a big boy when he was born!

where it all started

Someone said today, "You seem like you're a lot like your mother." She didn't know me, and had only met me one other time, but she said it so confidently. I felt honored to be equated with such a wonderful woman.

My mother. Mothering is such a sacrifice and only now am I beginning to appreciate the price. I am so grateful to my mother in so very many different minuscule ways. My memory is going back to one specific time that changed my life.

Our family was rocked with the devastation of the loss of my brother more than 15 years ago. After a few months, I remember telling my mom that I was afraid I was going to forget him and all the memories. So my mom decided that I needed a journal. She took me to a book shop, and said, "you can pick out a journal, Annie. One that you really like, to write down everything you remember and all the feelings you are having about missing Gabe."

It was an exciting moment in my life, I remember finding one that had a scripture on it about the goodness of God. I wrote in that journal everyday, sometimes twice a day, until I felt I had run out of memories. Then...I just kept writing.

It has been an amazing journey through the years. Writing has a way of revealing to myself what is most important to me. I have lost count of the number of journals I've gone through over the last eighteen years, but I will never forget my first one, and the precious gift it was to me from my thoughtful mother.

a child's understanding

I am amazed how a child can come to an understanding of compassion, and how it makes a difference in others' lives. Yesterday was a sweet, beautiful reminder that we do nothing in vein, when a child is watching.

Caleb climbed up into his chair for lunch, and as I handed him his cup of milk and walked away to prepare his meal, I heard him talking jibberish quietly. As I turned to see if he was talking to me, he put his hands together and said, "a-meen!" Then he grabbed his cup and started drinking. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It wasn't as if he knew exactly what he was doing, or that he had a profound revelation of why we pray, but it was the beauty of repeating a gesture that he knew must be important, since he had seen and heard Daddy and Mommy do it several times.

And then he completely blew me away by the very next thing that happened. I made a noise in the freezer when I was putting something away, then closed the door. Caleb said, "You akay? Yes?" I had to ask him what he meant. He repeated himself, then pointed to the freezer, "Boom! You akay?" I got it, "oh yes. I'm okay, thank you for asking Caleb!" He nodded and went back to eating.

Precious! Absolutely precious!

love love love

The amazing birthday cake Buela made for our trip to Fresno.

The California Ens cousins, (missing Connor and Isaac in Thailand)

Caleb's birthday party at our house. He loves the water (right now calling it "a-go"...)

waiting

I pulled back the curtains of fantasy today and saw some harsh reality mixed with the sunshine of hope! The wind was blowing so hard in the midst of a sunshiny day, and I felt the Lord say,

"what are you waiting for, Anne?"

What am I waiting for? I've seen once again the awe and the brevity of life so close by. My new nephew from Thailand was a sight of hope this past weekend, adopted into an amazing family. And just a few days before, my heart was aching for my brother who came very close to the taste of death in a car accident.

Life is full of tremendous joys as well as heartache and longing. My spirit has been longing for more in the midst of the joys of being a mother to my sons. What is that longing? The Lord has so graciously reminded me lately when I start to forget the sound of that longing: I was born for more than this. And the Lord is waiting for me to choose it. It won't just show up on my front door one day. I must fight for it and take my family with me!

I love the sound of the battle cry in my soul. It resounds in me when I choose the Lord above all else. The Lord is calling me to cry out, to not be silent right now. There is no time like the present, and now is the time. I cannot wait for tomorrow. My life, in the hands of the Lord will make a difference in a world that is indifferent to Him. This is the fight. And I choose it today.

The Lord has been waiting,

and I have nothing to lose.

our two-year-old

Our firstborn son turned two yesterday! Caleb is such an amazing boy, and we are so blessed to have him in our lives! He seems to have grown up so quickly since Levi was born.

In the last couple weeks, Caleb has started to distinctly say, "Yes!" Not Yah, but Yessss! It is so cute! One day, he just started to say it, it wasn't a gradual thing. And just yesterday, I noticed that he was clapping to a song in rhythm!!! I was so impressed. Yep, I'm a proud momma!

Daddy got Caleb a cookie with "Happy Birthday, Caleb" written on it, as you can see in the video. And even though Caleb had a cold, I gave in and let him have the sugar coated sugar cookie...I'm a softy sometimes.

In case you're curious what his pajama shirt says, it says, "Judah is my middle name". Yes, it used to say "trouble is my middle name" but we just couldn't put that on Caleb. So Matt changed it to reflect the truth. Pretty funny!

a date in los osos

Matt and I let our boys spend some time with my parents last Saturday, while we went out on the town of...Los Osos! I think there is only one mexican restaurant out there of note, if not the only one, so we went to eat there. Now I'm usually the type of person who really likes to follow the rules, and when I come across one that I've never seen before, I like to adhere to it, for caution sake. When we pulled into the parking lot of this mexican restaurant an elderly gentleman was pulling out of the only spot that would be open. Then I saw the sign:

I had never seen this sign before or heard of parking especially reserved for marines. But, I went with it and told Matt that we therefore could not park there. He instead went right ahead and parked there. I was really getting nervous because what if the manager of the restaurant came out and saw us, and obviously could tell we were not marines? Matt started getting out of the van, then busted up laughing. "It's a joke, Anne!" Oh...

It ended up being one of our best dates. Laughing, and talking, and then having the opportunity to see one of Los Osos's finest sides; the bay at sunset.

the age of mobility has begun

It has begun! Levi is on the move. He's sitting up, rolling over, and doing the army crawl! AHHHH. I have heard from so many moms of two or more kids, that with number 2, you are less likely to encourage them to start moving. This...is true!


I'm not encouraging it at all, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen. I can no longer put a blanket down on the floor and expect Levi to stay there. He's all over the living room.


He is such a little love. When I pick him up, he seems like he's giving me a bear hug; both arms around my neck, nose into my shoulder, and squeezing...tight.


I stand back simply amazed that this little one is ours. He came from us, and carries within himself part of us. Caleb and Levi are tremendous blessing in our lives. I can't imagine what we would be like without them!

an unexpected gift

I recently made some big decisions in my life in regards to my relationship with God, decisions that I knew I needed to make, but hadn't done in a really long time. And without getting any more specific, I wanted to write about something that I noticed after I had made those decisions.

I was driving home and as I pulled onto our street, I saw two white doves fly in front of our van.

Let me explain something about myself. I have always seen birds as a sign from the Lord, or at the least, a way the Lord uses to speak to me sometimes. Going back a few years before I was married, I remember one moment that was just such a time. I hadn't started dating Matt yet, and I was really feeling the desire to meet my husband. I was on the beach and asking the Lord about it. I looked up and saw one bird fly over my head, and a moment later another bird came from a different direction and started flying with the first bird. I felt the Lord reassure me that the time was drawing near that my life would soon be accompanied by my husband.


So coming back to last week, when I saw the doves, I knew the Lord was encouraging me that He knew me, and had seen...me. I love how the Lord speaks not only when we are expecting or hoping He will, but especially when we are not expecting it!

The very next day, I was headed outside, and I opened the front door really quickly. I heard the flutter of wings, looked up and saw about a dozen white doves fly up from our front yard up into the sky, landing on the telephone pole. It was a beautiful sight. I'm so used to seeing little black crows all over the field, that this really caught me by surprise. I've always seen doves as a symbol of peace and hope. And again, I felt the Lord's love for me and for my family!

I had never seen doves here, in the year we've been here in this house. And now, they seem to have gone already. It was only for a few days that they were finding their home here. And it was just enough for me to remember that the decisions I make in relation to God are the most important.

All creation worships our God, we must join in too!

the ens boys

daddy and lego's

Matt has always been the king of building in our house. If there's a shelf that needs to go up, he's the one to do it; if there's a patio that needs to be put in, he's on the job; if there's boxes and boxes of Lego's from birthday gifts throughout his life, he is the one who knows what to do with them.

Then, enter Caleb Ens, also interested in the plethora of Lego's to be built into something great for all to stand in awe of his masterpiece. And in his mind, Daddy needs to share his toys...for the greater good.

How can daddy resist?

beauties

A spectacular sunset as seen from our backyard...and a simple smile shines just as bright as seen from mama's eyes...